This Will Make You Pretty on the Outside

Lisa: I am going to Microneedle your face this week.

Erin: (Yawning) Did I do something to piss you off?

Lisa: Nothing more than usual. This will just make you prettier.

Erin: Wait. What? I’m ugly?

Lisa: Oh shit, I have another call. I will see you Friday at 10:00.

Lisa’s Version

Despite navigating Erin through countless beauty procedures, she still lacks faith in my savant like abilities to sniff out the latest and greatest. Yes. The Korean Bath House was a total fail. Fat freezing was agonizing and ultimately pointless. The anti-aging IV’s did not really make us look any younger, but a stranger did randomly told Erin she was “pretty enough to be a stripper” right after we left. (This is like the nicest thing you can ever say to her, so you draw your own conclusions on that one.)

HOWEVER, I was also the one who arranged for us to get brand new vaginas. You won’t hear her complaining about that one. And I got her to start drinking bone broth and taking beef liver capsules. I actually don’t remember why, but I read it was super good for us. Not to mention, I have tirelessly lasered, peeled, shaved, exfoliated and even prayed over Erin’s face until I finally felt it was pretty enough to allow her to tell people who her esthetician is. Basically, I am a selfless martyr, void of any psychological egoism.

Erin’s Version

First Red Flag: I walked in and Lisa immediately started slathering numbing gel all over my face. I am fairly certain that Lisa’s mother accidentally forget to take her prenatal vitamin on the day “sympathy” was scheduled to develop in utero. My eyes narrowed. Second Red Flag: Lisa is super impatient. She treats red lights and speed limits as though they are “suggestions” rather than actual laws. She actually let the numbing shit sit on my face for the full 15 minutes. Third Red Flag: Lisa was looming over me holding some weird, phallic looking instrument with needles poking out.

Because I am deeply in tune with my intuition, I punched her in the throat and ran away screaming. Just kidding. I totally laid there while Lisa took this lawn mower thing and ran it all over my face until it bled. It did smart a wee bit like a stubborn kidney stone or a compound leg fracture from sliding off a rocky cliff, on an isolated mountain, in a snowstorm, where you have to reset the bone and fashion a tourniquet yourself, and then hike back out to civilization. So like it’s really not that bad.

Anywho, my face felt like I had a bad sunburn afterwards. The next day it was totally fine. Not. Even. Kidding. A week later my skin was seriously glowing. I am going to complete all three treatments to achieve the full effect because Lisa insists I will really see the results in six months. But honestly, I feel pretty enough to be a stripper now.

Final Verdict: Thumbs Up on Microneedling. Lisa wins this round.

Book your appointments today, March is almost full!



Did You Know….

Skin care routines are like your closet.  A couple of times a year, you need to switch out pieces that don’t fit the season.  Fall is the season to slough off all of those dead skin cells after months of summer exposure. Dead skin cells are like road blocks that prevent anti aging products from being able to absorb into your skin and start correcting.  Now is the time to think stronger chemical peels, laser treatments and powerful topicals.  It is also a great time to get into your Dermatologist for your annual skin care check.  If you need some recommendations let me know.  Also, at your next appointment with me, bring in all of the products you are currently using and we will go through them together, update your regime, and come up with a personalized plan for you.

I keep a noteboook in my treatment room with common questions patients ask me.  These are excellent questions and I think most people have the same ones, so I’ve chosen a few to cover in this blog…so here we go…..

“Yes, I wear sunscreen everyday, it’s in my make-up.”  –  Noooooo!  Stop the make-up/ sunscreen partnership.  This is a common fallacy that many of us choose to believe for convenience sake.  Make-up doesn’t count as a sun protector  Sure, your skin is covered up, but unless it is specifically designed to incorporate SPF protection, the make-up will do next to nothing to protect your skin from the sun. Make-up alone does not provide enough coverage,  you would need seven times the normal amount of foundation and 14 times the normal amount of powder to get the sun protection factor on the label.  And just a FYI, that’s too much make-up.  Apply sunscreen then your make-up. Period.

“When I break-out what do I use as a zit zapper?“ – Pimples happen.  So do you treat with Benzoyl Peroxide or salicylic Acid?  When choosing a zit zapper this is what I tell my patients – Benzoyl Peroxide pulls double duty, it exfoliates with benzoic acid and kills bacteria with oxygen to clear pores of dead skin and oil.  If your blemishes are deep and filled with puss, this is your guy.  It can however, be super drying and irritating.  So, for minor more superficial break-out ‘spots’ try salicylic.  This ingredient is a milder option for skin cell turnover.  Oh, and if you have only a minor break-out in your T zone, don’t slather your entire face in either….unless you want to be reallllllly dry. 

“If I have a gluten sensitivity should my products be gluten free?”– No. Gluten-containing skin care products and cosmetics aren’t a problem for people with Celiac. Unless you eat them.

“I didn’t peel after my last chemical peel” –  If you don’t peel every time you get a peel it doesn’t mean the peel wasn’t effective. This happens more with the lighter peels, but even when you don’t experience visible peeling, there is microscopic peeling happening. Don’t worry, it’s still working!

“I don’t use a moisturizer because I’m oily and afraid I’ll break out” – I know, finding balance for acne-prone skin can be frustrating.  First off,  when our face produces oil, it is not the same as hydration of the skin.  A moisturizer increases water content in the skin and prevents further moisture loss when infused with natural humectants.  Pore clogging sebum is thicker, attracts dirt and debris, allowing skin cells to become occlusive causing the endless battle with acne.  Sebum is the food for acne bacteria, so keeping it to a minimum is a good thing.  But here’s the bottom line, oily skin is not hydration but a reaction to a lack of it.  And if you are using acne products which tend to exacerbate this condition by drying the skin, your skin will start to produce more oil, perpetuating and even worsening the vicious cycle of sebum production. By moisturizing daily, you will regulate your oil production so it doesn’t overproduce sebum. Try different moisturizers to see which formula your skin prefers, but don’t skip this step!  Be aware that many moisturizers for acne contain alpah hydrpxy acids, salicylic acid and retinol, or other exfoliating ingredients. These ingredients could be helpful in improving acne, especially mild or comedonal acne, by increasing cell turn over but if you are using a topical acne medication from your Dermatologist, some of these ingredients may not play well with your prescription, so  it’s better to use a moisturizer without exfoliating ingredients unless you clear it with your Doctor.

Contact me if I can help you with any of your skin care question!



Embracing Change

My psychic warned me that a cosmic shift was going to happen in my professional life, but I thought  the solar eclipse was making her crazy. Guess not.

Many of you already heard that I will being moving my facial aesthetics business out of the ENT office of Dr. Menachof in December.  I feel so fortunate for the work I’ve been able to do under Dr. Menachof and for the family of staff and clients cultivated there.

Please don’t worry (I know you are, because I’ve already heard the panic cries from most of you).  I’m moving down the street to a fabulous new space at the end of the year. I’m beyond excited for this next chapter and I’ll be able to share more details with you very soon.  It’s good stuff.  Promise.

P.S.  If you don’t believe in psychics, you haven’t met mine.  And, I’m keeping her a secret to maintain my competitive advantage. 

Lisa: Did you know our vaginas are atrophying as we speak?

Erin: Duh. This is why I suffer from anxiety. I lie awake every night worrying about my old vagina. So what have you signed us up for?

Lisa: I received an email from a doctor who wants to laser our aging vaginas. I checked all her credentials and she is the real deal.

Erin: I refuse to have my vagina lasered in a mall kiosk.

Lisa: This laser tightens everything up and we are going.

Erin: So basically we will be like virgins again…You probably can’t even remember that far back.

Lisa: Annnnd you will stop pissing yourself when you laugh. 

Lisa’s Version:

Months ago, I received an email from a Dr. Susan Schroeder in Colorado Springs, who explained that everything ages and wanted to rejuvenate Erin’s and my lady bits. EVERYTHING? I narrowed my eyes. I am the queen of anti-aging. Wrinkles, sun spots, laugh lines, acne? I cover it all…but the ole’ vertical smile? I wasn’t a slut in high school and I only have one kid, so I just assumed I was el perfecto south of the boarder. Obviously, this was absolutely unacceptable to me. We.Were.Going.

Admittedly, when Erin and I were driving to our first vagina tightening appointment, we were hyperventilating, passing a paper bag back and forth. In retrospect, there was nothing to worry about. We were ushered into a beautiful, pristine, super chic office and greeted by an entire staff of vagina tightening angels. 

Dr. Schroeder and her team explained that the procedure consisted of an exam, an internal laser and then an external laser. We would go back once a month for a total of three treatments. The assistant assured us it was “relatively” painless. We were brought back into a room and each given a razor since the procedure was considered ablative and hair can catch fire. Erin’s bush would have probably started a forest fire.

I went first. Erin stood over me and squeezed my hand. It totally looked like we were each other’s birthing coaches. Inside the vajay did not hurt. Outside hurt a bit. The love button hurt like holy hell. And then it was over. Over the next couple days we both started our periods and our vaginas swelled up like they had been stung by bees. Like a lot of bees. Annnnnd then….the magic happened.

Erin’s Version:

Truthfully, I was just going to support Lisa’s old, decrepit vagina. Not to be all braggy, but I sort of assumed my love glove was in pretty good shape. I always get an A+ on pap smears (I even tape the report card they send me on the fridge with my kids’ spelling tests.) I have had two c-sections and seen way worse camel toe in Lululemon yoga pants than my own. 

Honestly, the most traumatizing part of the entire experience was when Lisa and I had to shave our hoohahs next to each other. In that one moment, we valiantly crossed all healthy boundaries of friendship. We just sort of stood there, looking at each other, holding our pubes. I whispered, “Are pubes considered bio-hazard?” Lisa shrugged and I caught her eyeing my Louie Vuitton bag. I hissed, “OH.HELL.NO. We are not putting pubes in my designer purse!” We heard a knock on the door and quickly shoved them in the pocket. 

Lisa did go first and her assessment was entirely correct. The inside does not hurt. Much as I suspected, Dr. Schroeder confirmed that my love tunnel was significantly smaller (my words, not her’s) in stark contrast to Lisa’s gigantic one. I was laying there all smug until Dr. Schroeder explained that my vagina would definitely require more lasering on the outside. Omg. I had a saggy vagina. All these years, countless guests and no one bothered to tell me that I was flapping in the breeze. Weeeell not anymore folks. 


Ladies- This is preeeeeetty much the best investment you can make. We fully endorse Femtouch vaginal laser tightening and Dr. Susan Schroeder. We both noticed a SIGNIFICANT change after the second procedure. Three months later, our vaginas are amaaaaaaaazing. We can giggle without tinkling. Everything is tighter and happier. Lube is unnecessary. Sex is better. Our only advice is that you have to be extra careful not to yell out “THANK YOU DR. SCHROEDER” during your passionate lovemaking sessions, as it will totally kill the moment. Like try to stay focused. 

And Gentlemen- We encourage you not buy your wife a gift certificate to see Dr. Schroeder unless specifically asked. Just trust us on this one….

Perfect Skin Dermatology

Susan Schroeder, MD


1259 Lake Plaza Drive, Suite #270

Colorado Springs, CO 80906

Superficial Vains

Erin: (Laying on Lisa’s table getting face lasered) “Ow. That fucking hurts. Are you about to start your period? Based on the joy you are eliciting from afflicting pain on my face, I can totally tell your progesterone levels are nonexistent.” 

 Lisa: “You know what hurts? When I tell you to quit picking your face and you keep doing it. In fact, my retinas are burning right now just looking at my ruined masterpiece.” (Angles laser)

Erin: (Zap) “Son of a Bitch. Dammit. Shit. Bitch. Mother fu-Oh, I forgot to tell you, we are getting anti-aging IV’s on Saturday!”

Lisa: (Zap. Zap) “Based on your breakout, it looks like you are already reverting to adolescence. Don’t worry though, they are just superficial.”

Lisa’s Version of Events

I picked Erin up from Starbucks, where she lives. I don’t usually “want” to get an IV unless I am in active labor or have eaten sushi from a strip mall (*also with Erin). We rolled up to this super chic IV place in a swanky part of town and were greeted by the second hottest dude I have ever seen (the first was the emergency room doctor who informed me I had gas, not appendicitis). I batted my eyes and casually purred, “I would just like something to reenergize me from all of the pilates and yoga I do. I am super flexible. Tee-hee.” 

I was pretty sure Hot Guy and I had established a soulful, fiery love connection and were going to end up entwined on a beach somewhere until Erin glanced up from the IV menu and said, “Oh, we definitely need two ‘Anti-Aging’ bags.” I glared at her. She then asked if they used “new needles because we don’t want AIDS” and requested we be seated as far away as possible from the people who were there for the flu because “that is just nasty.” Fantasy over. 

We were seated in cozy chairs with blankets, pursuing some health magazines when a nurse came over. She informed us she worked at a hospital emergency room and was an expert at administering IV’s. She quickly found the perfect vein on me. Unfortunately, the nurse claimed Erin had “superficial” veins and had to get poked twice. (BAM. That’s what she said.) I just laughed and laughed.

A few minutes later, some guy stumbled in and sat slouched over in a chair. Erin and I exchanged WTF glances. We happened to be there the morning after St. Patrick’s Day and obviously this ginger was out celebrating his heritage. However, based on his condition, I thought an IV seemed a little conservative. The dude needed a crash cart. But sure as shit, as soon as he was finished with his hangover bag, he skipped right on out with his IV punch card in hand. 

Erin’s Version of Events

Like usual, Lisa’s synopsis of events is somewhat skewed with the exception of the alcoholic redhead. That little leprechaun just came alive, clicked his heels and left to go buy a morning-after pill for whomever he hooked up with the night before. It was seriously the craziest thing I had ever seen. 

I had heard unnecessary IV’s were the newest rage and I wanted to see what the hype was. Of course I was going to bring Lisa. She is the only person I know who would actually go. Lisa will stop at nothing to be pretty, a quality I deeply admire in a person. 

I did get poked twice (heeeeey-oooooo) and was called “superficial” for the second time in one week. However, I knew when I took this job, it would require both mental and physical fortitude. And so here we are. Selflessly and courageously reviewing products, while sacrificing our bodies so that you know the truth. I am sure there will be some form of monument resurrected in our honor upon our untimely deaths by plastic surgery.

Lisa and I both agreed we felt absolutely no different when we left, except now our arms hurt and we had to pee. I planned on going home to nap after our taxing morning however, Mike called to tell me my kids were fighting. Lisa whipped the car over so we could get our nails done instead. 

We walked into the nail salon and because Lisa has the patience of an honest Mormon on her wedding night, she promptly ripped off her bandage. Blood started pouring out of her arm. I stood there frozen, laughing hysterically like I always do when I see someone bleeding. Everyone around us looked super grossed out. 

After Lisa manufactured a tourniquet out of the sleeve of her Lululemon jacket and received a blood transfusion, we settled back in our chairs. I had just arrived at the conclusion that the entire IV experience was totally stupid when out of nowhere my nail tech said, “You pretty enough to be stripper.” Lisa and I excitedly locked eyes. We decided to make appointments for the following week. 


You should definitely go get an IV if you are a hungover redhead or a stripper.

If you would like us to provide you with an honest review of your product, please feel free to contact us. Please note we do not review pyramid scheme products, as we are vehemently trying to create one of our own and this would be a conflict of interest. 


One of the newest rages in beauty and wellness is freezing your ass off in a -110° booth, otherwise known as Cryotherapy. The claims are endless; relief of joint pain and inflammation, recovery from sports injury, but, most importantly, it claims to burn 800 calories per session, promote collagen, and reduce signs of aging…so basically, make you pretty. And if standing in a freezer for three minutes can make us prettier, well that’s a no brainer.

Cryotherapy #1:

We chose a place that is set up like a spa and upon arrival were given nice robes, gloves, tube socks and rubber shoes. We went in the freezing chamber room together and took turns de-robing and stepping into a tight vessel-like machine. After taking my robe off (leaving hands and feet covered), cold air started to spray at me. Like rapidly. My first instinct was to cover my nipples, I suddenly questioned why they aren’t required to be protected. Seems like a super awkward emergency room visit. Nipple frost. I had a flashback to the time I was 23 and knew my appendix was bursting…. I went to the ER and was treated by the most gorgeous man I had ever seen. As the nurses were working to make me comfortable I dreamt about how the ER doctor was probably going to ask me out after he removed my appendix. But, that actually didn’t happen. He came in an hour later and gently informed me that my appendix was just fine. I had gas.  I don’t need a nipple incident on my medical record also.

Moving on——the cold blasting air was intense but bearable. During our sessions Taylor and I kept eye contact with each other to stay calm. For example, I asked the sweet room attendant if anyone ever dies doing Cryotherapy and she cheerfully replied without missing a beat, “Oh yeah. Of course.” Taylor assured me that it probably only happens in Europe. Copy that.

Between surviving and looking at Taylor, I also kept glancing at a digital three-minute timer on the wall wondering when the end was in sight, the attendant told me that the timer was actually wrong. I was 20 seconds ahead of it. Or maybe behind. I’m not sure if she was using this as a distraction or if it really was wrong, but being a control freak and not knowing may be how people actually die during Cryotherapy

Finally, the machine turned off and I felt amazing. Taylor and I were bragging that we both had easily made it the full three minutes until the girl informed us that it was actually two and a half minutes. That’s where everyone starts. At two and a half minutes. *eyeroll* Whatever. I chose not to remind her that the clock was actually wrong.

Anywho, My body felt back to normal immediately and I had a ton of energy all day. I was actually wired.

Cryotherapy #2:

I hopped into the machine like I’ve been doing this forever, like the cryo queen of sorts. Total badass. The second the air started spraying at me I. WANTED. TO. DIE.  The thrill from the first treatment had passed and today I had three FULL minutes and the clock was still wrong and I was almost panicking. My legs felt like needles were stabbing them and I couldn’t catch my breath. I decided this was the precise moment I was going to stop selling my soul for beauty blogs. (Don’t worry, the latter part passed very quickly). It took everything I had not to quit and, honestly I think my body was just in too much shock to ask to get out. So, like the first time. I held my nipples and prayed.

After I got out, I had a hard time warming up all day and really felt like an idiot for standing in a  -110° booth terrible.

We decided that after having very different experiences on each day, we had to go a third try before blogging our experiences fully.

Cryotherapy #3:

Really? Did you really think we were doing that again?

Next Saturday we have hot stone massages scheduled.




Disco Party

The Text Exchange

Lisa: Do you want to go to a Korean bathhouse in a really bad part of town with me tomorrow?

Erin: Okay.

Lisa: We have to be naked.

Erin: You are going to be jealous of my svelte vagina.

Lisa: I will pick you up at 11:00.

Erin: Bye.

Lisa’s Version of Events

I wanted to go to a Korean bathhouse so I could blog about it. I have a total domineering personality so, it was not terribly challenging for me to convince Erin to go. These bathhouses are all the rage in California. Erin is going to act like a whiney little bitch when she tells her side but, I honestly had no idea that the bathhouse we went to was a covert sex house. Swear. To. God.

When I was informed of this establishment, I was simply told to be open-minded. I understood we would be naked the entire time and that we would be receiving massages. What I did NOT know is we would be showering in a community shower equipped with bar soap that had suspicious hairs and by “suspicious hairs” I mean disturbingly long pubes. I also had no idea that we walked in on two chicks getting it on in the steam room. Helllll-lllllo, I would have knocked.

The massage was admittedly a little aggressive…. Ninjas were literally climbing on top of us, slapping our arms and legs. I also do not recall being told that the “community” loofah they used to exfoliate us, would enter EVERY part of my body. As an esthetician, I was fine with my ass but, I totally drew the line when they tried to scrub my flawless face. Eew.

I avoided making eye contact with Erin because I could feel her retinas burning holes in my skin and frankly, her negative energy was ruining my Zen. Instead, I stared at her lady bits, figuring I would make us both dermatologist appointments for the following day and a couples therapy session for Friday to make amends. Truthfully, I will probably never invite her again.

Erin’s Version of Events

Lisa failed to mention that she also coerced our yoga instructor, Jen, to come with us. It was Jen’s birthday and a “Happy Ending” in a dirty Korean bathhouse is always a neat gift. Additionally, after a long anxiety ridden month waiting for what was ultimately Lisa’s negative diagnose for M.S., we decided to celebrate by contracting a venereal disease. Annnnd this is why I selflessly decided to go…to support them. Everyone should be my friend.

After visiting the shower room, I decided Jenny McCarthy’s anti-vaccination campaign was much less offensive than Cameron Diaz’s recent plight to end bush trimming. I exited the 70‘s disco party to go check out the “majestic waterfall” that Lisa had been describing. I was preeeeetty sure the waterfall was just a stream of asbestos and black mold pouring out of dilapidated ceiling tiles but, I didn’t want to ruin the party so I just stayed quiet.

To take my mind off of the situation, I tried to count all the tattoos of dream catchers and wolves on women’s arms as we all soaked in a dirty hottub together but, I lost count after 9,972. I then watched in fascination as our boobies kept floating to the surface while everyone else’s plummeted under. Jen wasn’t really speaking to either of us at this point but, I figured it was because she was so relaxed. I was happy to see her enjoying herself on her special day.

During my massage, Lisa’s voyeuristic vagina watched me the ENTIRE time so, I was never able to fully relax. It didn’t help that my masseuse gave me a titty twister and kept slapping me in the head, with her stomach and boobs. Lisa “claims” I was angrily glaring at her. The truth was, I was completely void of feeling at this point.

Anywho, we are all almost finished taking our third round of broad-spectrum antibiotics, anti-fungals and anti-viral medications. Our next Girls’ Day is our blood draw at an infectious disease clinic in six months.

Lisa- Thank you for taking us from the confines of our gated community, if for no other reason than to remind us never to do it again.

P.S. Happy Birthday Jen. We hope it was all that you dreamed of and more.

XO, Lisa & Erin