Superficial Vains

Erin: (Laying on Lisa’s table getting face lasered) “Ow. That fucking hurts. Are you about to start your period? Based on the joy you are eliciting from afflicting pain on my face, I can totally tell your progesterone levels are nonexistent.” 

 Lisa: “You know what hurts? When I tell you to quit picking your face and you keep doing it. In fact, my retinas are burning right now just looking at my ruined masterpiece.” (Angles laser)

Erin: (Zap) “Son of a Bitch. Dammit. Shit. Bitch. Mother fu-Oh, I forgot to tell you, we are getting anti-aging IV’s on Saturday!”

Lisa: (Zap. Zap) “Based on your breakout, it looks like you are already reverting to adolescence. Don’t worry though, they are just superficial.”

Lisa’s Version of Events

I picked Erin up from Starbucks, where she lives. I don’t usually “want” to get an IV unless I am in active labor or have eaten sushi from a strip mall (*also with Erin). We rolled up to this super chic IV place in a swanky part of town and were greeted by the second hottest dude I have ever seen (the first was the emergency room doctor who informed me I had gas, not appendicitis). I batted my eyes and casually purred, “I would just like something to reenergize me from all of the pilates and yoga I do. I am super flexible. Tee-hee.” 

I was pretty sure Hot Guy and I had established a soulful, fiery love connection and were going to end up entwined on a beach somewhere until Erin glanced up from the IV menu and said, “Oh, we definitely need two ‘Anti-Aging’ bags.” I glared at her. She then asked if they used “new needles because we don’t want AIDS” and requested we be seated as far away as possible from the people who were there for the flu because “that is just nasty.” Fantasy over. 

We were seated in cozy chairs with blankets, pursuing some health magazines when a nurse came over. She informed us she worked at a hospital emergency room and was an expert at administering IV’s. She quickly found the perfect vein on me. Unfortunately, the nurse claimed Erin had “superficial” veins and had to get poked twice. (BAM. That’s what she said.) I just laughed and laughed.

A few minutes later, some guy stumbled in and sat slouched over in a chair. Erin and I exchanged WTF glances. We happened to be there the morning after St. Patrick’s Day and obviously this ginger was out celebrating his heritage. However, based on his condition, I thought an IV seemed a little conservative. The dude needed a crash cart. But sure as shit, as soon as he was finished with his hangover bag, he skipped right on out with his IV punch card in hand. 

Erin’s Version of Events

Like usual, Lisa’s synopsis of events is somewhat skewed with the exception of the alcoholic redhead. That little leprechaun just came alive, clicked his heels and left to go buy a morning-after pill for whomever he hooked up with the night before. It was seriously the craziest thing I had ever seen. 

I had heard unnecessary IV’s were the newest rage and I wanted to see what the hype was. Of course I was going to bring Lisa. She is the only person I know who would actually go. Lisa will stop at nothing to be pretty, a quality I deeply admire in a person. 

I did get poked twice (heeeeey-oooooo) and was called “superficial” for the second time in one week. However, I knew when I took this job, it would require both mental and physical fortitude. And so here we are. Selflessly and courageously reviewing products, while sacrificing our bodies so that you know the truth. I am sure there will be some form of monument resurrected in our honor upon our untimely deaths by plastic surgery.

Lisa and I both agreed we felt absolutely no different when we left, except now our arms hurt and we had to pee. I planned on going home to nap after our taxing morning however, Mike called to tell me my kids were fighting. Lisa whipped the car over so we could get our nails done instead. 

We walked into the nail salon and because Lisa has the patience of an honest Mormon on her wedding night, she promptly ripped off her bandage. Blood started pouring out of her arm. I stood there frozen, laughing hysterically like I always do when I see someone bleeding. Everyone around us looked super grossed out. 

After Lisa manufactured a tourniquet out of the sleeve of her Lululemon jacket and received a blood transfusion, we settled back in our chairs. I had just arrived at the conclusion that the entire IV experience was totally stupid when out of nowhere my nail tech said, “You pretty enough to be stripper.” Lisa and I excitedly locked eyes. We decided to make appointments for the following week. 

Verdict

You should definitely go get an IV if you are a hungover redhead or a stripper.

If you would like us to provide you with an honest review of your product, please feel free to contact us. Please note we do not review pyramid scheme products, as we are vehemently trying to create one of our own and this would be a conflict of interest. 

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Wow! You Look……….The Same.

Did you know that in 2013, 5 billion dollars was spent on non surgical cosmetic procedures, according to the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery — and the American Society of Cosmetic Dermatology and Aesthetic Surgery reports a similar trend. It’s no surprise that there is a demand for non-surgical procedures…some patients only want a little bit of change and others just aren’t interested in a surgical option. When I first started my skin care profession I was eager to learn everything in my industry. With that being said, I was thrilled to get hired at an office that was offering (I can’t name the procedure because I will be sued….and I don’t think my insurance company covers my rambling blog posts) so let’s just say, you could come in on your lunch hour and leave looking rested, rejuvenated and years younger. The claims promised the results of a facelift. In one hour (multiple sessions), no incisions, this procedure is performed by an esthetician (HA!), and for thousands of dollars cheaper than surgery. Wow, great first job for a gal like me that had just been told in school that I wax like I’m on Zanax. Now I’m giving face-lifts. Problem was, I never really saw any amazing results after my sessions were completed. I am a crazy perfectionist and thought maybe it was just me. Everyone else in the office saw amazing results with this procedure (on others). Were my expectations different? Too high? I soon got my answer ~ I had a gentleman scheduled and upon his arrival he asked if his wife could join us and watch the procedure. We all went into the room and as I worked my magical device on this man’s face I carefully explained the entire procedure and concept behind it. I was so involved in my conversation I even did extra passes making sure my work was stellar. I was enjoying this man and his wife so much I went on for an extra 30 minutes. After the treatment I walked the couple up to the front desk and everyone was shocked at the difference and he was suddenly thrilled (before he even looked in the mirror –the excitement clearly made everyone delusional.) His wife studied him for a minute and decided she was also impressed and was going to sign up also. He at this point was looking in the mirror glowing, thrilled with his result while everyone gathered around him pointing out the nice changes. I still didn’t see anything. I went back to my room to clean my hand piece for my next appointment. I grabbed my hand piece and gave it a few tugs, my cord was stuck, it was tucked under the bottom sheet of the table. Do you know where I’m going with this? My client was laying on the cord and my hand piece had not been plugged in . I worked on him meticulously for an hour and a half with wands that were not plugged into the machine. Same man get’s up from table and feels like a new person. I have NOT lost my mind— Everyone was so excited with the promise this procedure claimed, they believed they really saw a difference based 100% on all of the hype surrounding the procedure.

There are many ‘non-surgical’ procedures these days promising results, and although some are excellent, the majority of them are more disappointing than they are effective. If there is something you are interested in doing you must consult with a respected doctor. A doctor who recommends procedures based on real science, on facts that really make sense. Unfortunately, some providers buy from reps who come in claiming a machine will change lives. It’s the technology everyone has been dreaming of. They’re presented with a profit sheet showing exactly how many patients need to sign up to pay off machine and send first-born to Stanford. Some random before and after photos are shown that are (hopefully) from said procedure. Unfortunately, the machine starts to collect dust because clients are not coming back or telling their friends about it due to disappointing results. The next phase for the machine is an appearance on Groupon to at least try to get her paid off. (Yep, I really went there again.)

When looking for non-invasive procedures, talk to a trusted physician. A professional who understands the science behind a procedure and can explain why this procedure will or will not work for you. Why does this professional believe in what they are suggesting? That said, when a procedure is chosen correctly and you are under the care of the right person, you are likely to love your results.

Or you can really be disappointed and wear this facial toner around the house while you do the laundry.

lady