Disco Party

The Text Exchange

Lisa: Do you want to go to a Korean bathhouse in a really bad part of town with me tomorrow?

Erin: Okay.

Lisa: We have to be naked.

Erin: You are going to be jealous of my svelte vagina.

Lisa: I will pick you up at 11:00.

Erin: Bye.

Lisa’s Version of Events

I wanted to go to a Korean bathhouse so I could blog about it. I have a total domineering personality so, it was not terribly challenging for me to convince Erin to go. These bathhouses are all the rage in California. Erin is going to act like a whiney little bitch when she tells her side but, I honestly had no idea that the bathhouse we went to was a covert sex house. Swear. To. God.

When I was informed of this establishment, I was simply told to be open-minded. I understood we would be naked the entire time and that we would be receiving massages. What I did NOT know is we would be showering in a community shower equipped with bar soap that had suspicious hairs and by “suspicious hairs” I mean disturbingly long pubes. I also had no idea that we walked in on two chicks getting it on in the steam room. Helllll-lllllo, I would have knocked.

The massage was admittedly a little aggressive…. Ninjas were literally climbing on top of us, slapping our arms and legs. I also do not recall being told that the “community” loofah they used to exfoliate us, would enter EVERY part of my body. As an esthetician, I was fine with my ass but, I totally drew the line when they tried to scrub my flawless face. Eew.

I avoided making eye contact with Erin because I could feel her retinas burning holes in my skin and frankly, her negative energy was ruining my Zen. Instead, I stared at her lady bits, figuring I would make us both dermatologist appointments for the following day and a couples therapy session for Friday to make amends. Truthfully, I will probably never invite her again.

Erin’s Version of Events

Lisa failed to mention that she also coerced our yoga instructor, Jen, to come with us. It was Jen’s birthday and a “Happy Ending” in a dirty Korean bathhouse is always a neat gift. Additionally, after a long anxiety ridden month waiting for what was ultimately Lisa’s negative diagnose for M.S., we decided to celebrate by contracting a venereal disease. Annnnd this is why I selflessly decided to go…to support them. Everyone should be my friend.

After visiting the shower room, I decided Jenny McCarthy’s anti-vaccination campaign was much less offensive than Cameron Diaz’s recent plight to end bush trimming. I exited the 70‘s disco party to go check out the “majestic waterfall” that Lisa had been describing. I was preeeeetty sure the waterfall was just a stream of asbestos and black mold pouring out of dilapidated ceiling tiles but, I didn’t want to ruin the party so I just stayed quiet.

To take my mind off of the situation, I tried to count all the tattoos of dream catchers and wolves on women’s arms as we all soaked in a dirty hottub together but, I lost count after 9,972. I then watched in fascination as our boobies kept floating to the surface while everyone else’s plummeted under. Jen wasn’t really speaking to either of us at this point but, I figured it was because she was so relaxed. I was happy to see her enjoying herself on her special day.

During my massage, Lisa’s voyeuristic vagina watched me the ENTIRE time so, I was never able to fully relax. It didn’t help that my masseuse gave me a titty twister and kept slapping me in the head, with her stomach and boobs. Lisa “claims” I was angrily glaring at her. The truth was, I was completely void of feeling at this point.

Anywho, we are all almost finished taking our third round of broad-spectrum antibiotics, anti-fungals and anti-viral medications. Our next Girls’ Day is our blood draw at an infectious disease clinic in six months.

Lisa- Thank you for taking us from the confines of our gated community, if for no other reason than to remind us never to do it again.

P.S. Happy Birthday Jen. We hope it was all that you dreamed of and more.

XO, Lisa & Erin

 

 

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Lisa’s Version of Events

I almost died last week when I accidentally poisoned myself.

Three days before I nearly died, I was laying on Erin’s bedroom floor after raiding her closet. *If you ever need to borrow a dress she has quite the selection. In fact, she has her very own expensive department store. You would not know this by looking at her since she wears yoga clothes every.single.day. She swears she’s not depressed. I am totally going to say something if she stops showering.

Anywho, while I was browsing Erin’s wares I decided her Tory Burch flip-flops would look better on me. Remember…Erin only likes to purchase designer apparel, she does not actually wear it. I plotted my exit strategy and informed her my flip-flops would match her skin tone better and just this once, I would be willing to switch shoes with her since I deeply care about her. She happily obliged. I think she even hugged me.

Our ADD encumbered conversation suddenly switched from wardrobes to supplements. I informed Erin of a supplement we should be taking for our skin health. She casually replied, “Oh, I already take that.” I sat there in stunned silence. Oh, I see…so I share my extensive beauty wisdom with her while she sits there casually sipping bone broth and hoarding her own beauty arsenal. I no longer felt guilty about taking her shoes.

Erin told me I could have her brand new bottle of the magical elixir. It is about time she did something for me. Erin cautioned me to start taking the product very slowly. Meh, I don’t have time for this “waiting” bullshit. You all know me, I go big, or I go home and watch Lifetime and do nothing.

Three days later, I woke up in the middle of the night with severe stomach pain. Omg. I was one of those women who didn’t know she was pregnant since I was clearly in labor. I just knew I was going to labor a human being NOW. I called Erin. Instead of being sympathetic like a normal person would be, she was like, “This.Is.Awesooooome!!! How much are you taking?! I am going to do it too!”

After five hellish, terrifying days of being held hostage by my bowels, I lost SEVEN repeat SEVEN pounds. My skin was glowing even though my eyes were sunken in but, I looked super gaunt for a photo shoot. Erin and I decided we were onto something and slapped our pictures on this supplement so we could start our own pyramid scheme.

Erin’s Version of Events 

I almost died last week when I intentionally poisoned myself.

I was laying on my floor watching Lisa try on my size 0 clothes. Lisa usually wears a 00 so you can imagine how distraught she was when my clothes actually fit her. She kept repeating she was “bloated and PMS’ing.” I just examined my cuticles and told her how pretty she was. I have learned this technique is the most effective when trying to soothe Lisa during one of her “episodes.”

Lisa is correct, I don’t get dressed. Everyday of my life is spent being covered in dog hair, boogers, peanut butter and my own tears. I have zero desire to elicit attention from the opposite sex. Why? Because another dude is just one more fucking person I have to take care of. I don’t even buy pistachios with shells because I am so lazy. In fact, I had to google what “Ashley Madison” was when it was all over headline news. *Although, I totally didn’t know that rogue Duggar was on there. Meow. Eyebrows up and down. Lick lips.

Furthermore, I have taken said beauty supplement for years but, it had never occurred to me to quadruple the recommended dosage like Lisa did. She acted like it was the end of the fucking world because she was going to poop out a baby. Hi. There are approximately three fire stations in a five mile radius of our houses that we could have dropped the kid/giant poop off at. She is absurdly dramatic.

Our bodies literally purged themselves of every toxin we had ever ingested. Lisa was able to rid herself of all the coke, meth and heroin she used last week. I purified myself of the five packages of my kids’ Avatar fruit snacks that I ate the day before. Yes, I did almost shit in my car but, I was trading it in the next day so it wouldn’t have even mattered. Honestly, the experience was entirely spiritual for me. Like I prayed a lot.

***If you too would like to shit away some lbs. while exercising your abs and boosting your self worth, please send us a check in the amount of $59.99! Become a distributer today and start making money while changing people’s lives through explosive diarrhea! Simply refer five of your friends and we will send you the kit. If you would like to host a party, we will generously give you a bonus bottle of the magic (equivalent of two giant shits). 

Love, 

Lisa & Erin

Meet Lisa

You know the friends who tell you how good you look in your yoga pants with yesterday’s make-up on? That you still look good as a platinum blonde; that age doesn’t matter and your skin is glowing? Well, that is NOT ME. Hi, I’m Lisa. In my experience as a paramedical aesthetician, I’ve consulted countless women on the health of their skin and on the state of their lives. What I’ve discovered is, I have a lot to say. Since I’m also a mom, a doctor (regular listener of Dr. Radio), an expert yogi (I do yoga) and a trendsetter (everyone is drinking bone broth now), I can speak intelligently on a myriad of topics. When I don’t know what to say, I make something up. Either way, you’ll learn something.

I write down my sage advice in my blog. You’re here and I’m thrilled. Face It…and Other News intends to empower you with the facts, or at least the facts as I see them. Jennifer Aniston’s youthful glow is not a result of using Aveeno and drinking Smartwater, but rather injections and laser. Nerium is not about reversing the signs of aging, but about making someone else a lot of money. The Korean massage fad is awkward, don’t bother. I’ll turn my home, my family, my friends and myself into science experiments, all in the name of learning. I want you to benefit from what I learn. You can thank me later.

Your friends won’t always give you the guidance you need. They mean well, and they make up a community of successful, supportive women you’re lucky to have in your life.  Let them host your baby shower and come to your Stella and Dot parties (I don’t want to do that anyway). I’ll be here to tell it like it is. Face it….at your age you should tone down the blonde and a little make-up doesn’t hurt.   I can be brutally honest and tell you your face is hairy (it is by the way). I believe the truth is an agent of change and of growth.  I am deeply invested in my chosen career path and I think living is like the ultimate joke. If you’re open to hearing me out, I won’t disappoint. Welcome to my world.

XOXO, Lisa

Lisa H-2015 Blanc-0058.jpg

 

 

Disco Party

The Text Exchange

Lisa: Do you want to go to a Korean bathhouse in a really bad part of town with me tomorrow?

Erin: Okay.

Lisa: We have to be naked.

Erin: You are going to be jealous of my svelte vagina.

Lisa: I will pick you up at 11:00.

Erin: Bye.

Lisa’s Version of Events

I wanted to go to a Korean bathhouse so I could blog about it. I have a total domineering personality so, it was not terribly challenging for me to convince Erin to go. These bathhouses are all the rage in California. Erin is going to act like a whiney little bitch when she tells her side but, I honestly had no idea that the bathhouse we went to was a covert sex house. Swear. To. God.

When I was informed of this establishment, I was simply told to be open-minded. I understood we would be naked the entire time and that we would be receiving massages. What I did NOT know is we would be showering in a community shower equipped with bar soap that had suspicious hairs and by “suspicious hairs” I mean disturbingly long pubes. I also had no idea that we walked in on two chicks getting it on in the steam room. Helllll-lllllo, I would have knocked.

The massage was admittedly a little aggressive…. Ninjas were literally climbing on top of us, slapping our arms and legs. I also do not recall being told that the “community” loofah they used to exfoliate us, would enter EVERY part of my body. As an esthetician, I was fine with my ass but, I totally drew the line when they tried to scrub my flawless face. Eew.

I avoided making eye contact with Erin because I could feel her retinas burning holes in my skin and frankly, her negative energy was ruining my Zen. Instead, I stared at her lady bits, figuring I would make us both dermatologist appointments for the following day and a couples therapy session for Friday to make amends. Truthfully, I will probably never invite her again.

Erin’s Version of Events

Lisa failed to mention that she also coerced our yoga instructor, Jen, to come with us. It was Jen’s birthday and a “Happy Ending” in a dirty Korean bathhouse is always a neat gift. Additionally, after a long anxiety ridden month waiting for what was ultimately Lisa’s negative diagnose for M.S., we decided to celebrate by contracting a venereal disease. Annnnd this is why I selflessly decided to go…to support them. Everyone should be my friend.

After visiting the shower room, I decided Jenny McCarthy’s anti-vaccination campaign was much less offensive than Cameron Diaz’s recent plight to end bush trimming. I exited the 70‘s disco party to go check out the “majestic waterfall” that Lisa had been describing. I was preeeeetty sure the waterfall was just a stream of asbestos and black mold pouring out of dilapidated ceiling tiles but, I didn’t want to ruin the party so I just stayed quiet.

To take my mind off of the situation, I tried to count all the tattoos of dream catchers and wolves on women’s arms as we all soaked in a dirty hottub together but, I lost count after 9,972. I then watched in fascination as our boobies kept floating to the surface while everyone else’s plummeted under. Jen wasn’t really speaking to either of us at this point but, I figured it was because she was so relaxed. I was happy to see her enjoying herself on her special day.

During my massage, Lisa’s voyeuristic vagina watched me the ENTIRE time so, I was never able to fully relax. It didn’t help that my masseuse gave me a titty twister and kept slapping me in the head, with her stomach and boobs. Lisa “claims” I was angrily glaring at her. The truth was, I was completely void of feeling at this point.

Anywho, we are all almost finished taking our third round of broad-spectrum antibiotics, anti-fungals and anti-viral medications. Our next Girls’ Day is our blood draw at an infectious disease clinic in six months.

Lisa- Thank you for taking us from the confines of our gated community, if for no other reason than to remind us never to do it again.

P.S. Happy Birthday Jen. We hope it was all that you dreamed of and more.

XO, Lisa & Erin

 

About Lisa

Paramedical Esthetician & Owner, Exclusively Skin

With 10 years’ experience as a skin health expert, Lisa Haigh is a trusted and sought-after skin care expert and esthetician loved by her very loyal clients, bloggers and facial obsessives everywhere. She maintains a full patient schedule at The Center for Aesthetic Facial Surgery in Denver, Colorado, providing cutting-edge facial treatments and working alongside Dr. Michael Menachof as a laser specialist. When not at the office, Lisa is absorbed in the medical skin care industry and is often featured in industry literature. She consults with dermatologists and plastic surgeons to share the latest in results-driven facial treatments and is the author of Face It…and Other News, a blog empowering women with skin care knowledge.

Lisa began her own skin care practice with a focus on the restoration and renewal of the skin. Lisa’s clients come to her with everything from hyperpigmentation and acne to fine lines and wrinkles. She helps men, women and teens of all ages attain glowing, beautiful skin. She is committed to finding a unique and individualized treatment that will result in visible improvements.

Lisa is a certified paramedical esthetician by Colorado Advanced Esthetics. When Lisa is not treating clients, consulting, or mentoring, she enjoys yoga, spending time with her family, and writing. She is currently working on her first book.

“No matter your concern, no matter your skin type, it is my goal to treat, educate, and give you the necessary tools for a healthy complexion. I have dedicated my professional career to helping you achieve the skin you’ve always wanted.”

I have worked with many great estheticians throughout my 25-year career, and Lisa Haigh is a standout. Great with the skin, technically excellent, with a fabulous eye for exactly what each client needs, Lisa brings a level of professional excellence unmatched in her field. With her outgoing, personable, and genuine nature, it’s no wonder her clients adore her! Lisa has been an invaluable addition to our practice and we are honored to have her as an integral part of our team. Dr. Michael R. Menachof, The Center for Aesthetic Facial Surgery

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