A Hairy Situation

 

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Erin: I have decided we are going to go get Brazilian waxes.

Lisa: Okay.

Erin: That went over better than I thought it would. You are drinking wine, watching Lifetime and not really listening to me aren’t you?

Lisa: What?

Lisa’s Version of Events

I am not a person who holds grudges. I would like to say this is because I am so spiritually evolved, but truthfully I just have the shittiest memory ever. So when Erin informed me that we were going to get Brazilian waxes, I just assumed she wanted to spend time with me like everyone else in the world does.

I pulled up to Erin’s house to pick her and her sweet, innocent sister (whom she also demanded be in attendance) up and watched with squinty eyes as she loaded a styrofoam cooler full of ice packs into my car. She then plucked a Bible out of a bag of stuff she was donating to Goodwill and tossed it on the seat. Her kids asked where we were going. Without missing a beat, she said, “We are going to go get our lips waxed.” I didn’t even get her joke until like twenty minutes later because I was so stressed out.

Erin insisted the wax place was not actually where map quest, their actual website and the latitude and longitude of a space satellite said it was located. The three of us got out and started wondering around looking for it. We saw a redheaded (AKA ginger- for those who prefer political correctness) guy with a really long beard walking around aimlessly. Obviously, he couldn’t find the place either. At this point, my anxiety was skyrocketing. I just needed someone to wax my butt so I could return to the familiar comforts of my home.

Eventually, Erin placed a phone call and laughed heartily when she discovered they had moved. Haha. Fucking hysterical. We walked into the salon and immediately my keen intuition suggested something was askew when Erin simply had to sign in, while her sister and I had to fill out two pages of paperwork and provide a blood sample. Omg, what a little hussy.

Erin’s waxer appeared, they linked arms and skipped back to her room. I, on the other hand, got the skittish waxer who legit tried to pawn me off on someone else once she realized we were bloggers. I spent thirty minutes comforting her while she ripped my pubes out with hot wax.

I was nearly incoherent from nauseating pain when it occurred to me that our precious Erin had methodically plotted her revenge for the time I accidentally took her to that nasty Korean bathhouse months ago. Or, maybe it was because I laughed hysterically when I learned she was the homecoming queen in high school…Whatever her motive, Psycho made her point.

Erin’s Correct Version of Events

First off, I politely informed my sister she was going to accompany us on said excursion. Her birthday is right before Lisa’s and I decided to kill two cats with one stone (or however that stupid saying goes.) I wanted to get them something they would remember, something that would remind them of me…an ass wax.

The Korean bathhouse was indeed traumatizing, but the psychotherapy and shock treatments I have been receiving are totally helping. Annnnd while I was homecoming queen in high school, it wasn’t as though I made a shadow box containing my tiara in memorandum of this momentous occasion. People probably assumed I was a stuck up little bitch when I ran off the football field in front of hundreds of people after I was crowned. In truth, this event served as foreshadowing to what would later be diagnosed as a “severe anxiety disorder.”

Second, I never claimed that I was a waxing virgin. I clearly hold my body to a higher standard and the ungodly sights at the Korean bathhouse only solidified this postulation. Maybe my vagina is calloused or maybe I just got lucky because my waxer was going through a divorce and channelled her frustrations onto my lady garden OR maybe I am just not a giant baby like Lisa is.

My sister walked into the lobby white as a sheet, mumbling incoherently, with a hollow look in her eyes after her appointment. Shit. I totally forgot to tell her if she didn’t leave a little landing strip/ Hitler stash, her lady parts would resemble a naked mole rat. I just knew she was sporting the mole rat.

Meanwhile, Lisa was not talking to me and intently studying the display of waxing products. She plucked out the most expensive cream they had, claimed her “waxer preferred this brand for a post wax” and plopped it on the counter with a smug look on her face. I narrowed my eyes at her uppity vagina and handed over my credit card.

We got in the car, shoved the ice packs down our pants and drove to Starbucks in total silence. I f’ing knew I should have given them Chipotle gift cards.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Facebook: Bringing People Together and Ending Relationships Since 2004.

As many of you know, and I openly admit,  I have committed all of these Facebook annoyances at one time or another. However, I feel that I have matured in my social media ways and am ready to talk about how truly annoying facebook can be.  Let’s discuss the narcissism and strange behavior it brings out in people, and the good stuff….

Here we go ~

The check-in

Let me start this blog by admitting that I was ‘this’ person at one. The person that ‘checks in’ at  every location they enter.  Example, the gym (like anybody really cared that I was working out for the 24th time that week)  Well….that’s a lie, I rarely work out twice a week  but you get my drift.  Or ‘checking in’ at the hair salon. What?  You don’t want to know that I’m getting my grey hair touched up for the third time this month?  For those of you who aren’t on facebook – ‘checking in’ is informing everybody in the world exactly what location you are at and writing a commentary above it. For example; people actually ‘check-in’ at home and say something like,  “Back to the #HaighHouse and contrary to the BS Folgers has been feeding us for years, the best part of waking up is actually going back to sleep. Goodnight.”  And then 102 of this person’s closest friends ‘like’ the check-in and status.  Now, to be totally honest, I do still check in occasionally.  I had dinner with Aimee at Flemings last night and decided that yes, the world may want to know that I am eating a steak with my OC bestie and thought you would all certainly want to see our picture as well.  See, I still have my moments also.

 

Vague-booking – Another pet peeve of mine is the intentional vague facebook status update that prompts friends to wonder what in the world is going on with you.

Example status;

Lisa is;  “wondering if it is all worth it… and thinking that was a bad idea”
causing very concerned facebook friends to call and ask each other,  “have you talked to Lisa? She’s vague-booking again…. I haven’t seen her ‘check-in’ anywhere in a while.  I better “poke” her and see if she responds.

The bikini shot – If you are over, lets say 30 years old,  Please do not post a ‘selfie’ in your bikini. I don’t care how many ‘check-ins’ at the gym, hard work and dedication got you your bikini body.  If you are a grown woman posing in a  bikini for solicited ‘likes’ —- I will assume you are going through a mid-life crisis.

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‘Liking’ your own status –  This is sort of redundant, don’t you think?  We already know that you think you are hilarious, you posted it, remember?  Liking your own status is the equivalent of high-fiving yourself in public.  True story.

Changing your relationship status – I have seen in a 24 hour period, let’s say Bob, going from ‘married to ‘single’ to ‘it’s complicated’ to ‘single.  Really Bob?  All of your facebook friends now know you are actually just ‘un-stable’.  Vague-booking usually follows the relationship status change….

Drunk-booking – I would urge you to stop this, but it’s just such great entertainment.  So carry on…

On a more serious note,  Facebook is commonly used to intentionally hurt people.  People say and do some pretty crappy  things over Facebook because it’s easy to hide behind the computer screen.  This actually just happened to me last week by someone I once considered a dear friend, and I was devastated when it was brought to my attention. I will not repeat the story, that would be stooping to her level.  Although, many of you already know about this incident because you called me after I was vague blogging about it…..

I’m joking about most of the above annoyances.  This is America…if you want to like your own status, that’s awesome. If you want to take pictures of your food and post them, I will even throw you a ‘like’.  Food is good.   Sometimes it’s great when people ‘check-in at a place so that you know where not to go 🙂 There really are many great aspects of Facebook.  Keeping in touch with family and friends, re-connecting with people you would have never found, new connections, sharing pictures. I have found Facebook to be fabulous for business, etc., but, it has also made me really aware at just how narcissistic it can make people. Remember, most people only post the good stuff.  “Just came back from a 15 mile run, having my 10 closest friends over after I do some quick yoga poses to talk about our trip to Sedona while sipping champagne all night.  Life is good.”   Leaving us readers thinking, Wow, my life totally sucks…I’m at home alone, heating up old chili and hoping a good Lifetime movie is on tonight. Social media posts are generally never an accurate depiction of a person’s  life .  On Facebook people can be whoever they choose to be.  Most people don’t talk about the un-glamorous stuff —unless they’re vague-booking about it.

By the way, are you following me on Facebook?

http://https://www.facebook.com/pages/Face-It-and-Other-News/831455446930934

XX, Lisa

Oh and we never talked about the ‘hash tag’ on Facebook.  #Monday#Mondaynight #sad #wine #lonely #Lifetimemovie#loveyourself# =   Ummmmmm…. WHAT????

Party Schmarty…….

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I am that girl who HATES jewelry parties.  In-fact I don’t even really wear jewelry.  Hate it all on me.  So Last night.  I had a jewelry party.  (That’s a long story)  I also hate going to parties.  I know, I seem so out going and appear to be a social blast 🙂 but when it gets dark at 5:30 I come home, jammy up, and the world doesn’t hear from me again until the morning.  My husband handles all night practices and activities.  Spoiled I know. Being sensitive to the fact that people have jobs, lives, kids, etc.  I generally hate hosting frivolous night parties because I myself hate the obligation.  That being said, when I decided to host this night, jewelry party, I put a quick post on Facebook and said, “Nobody feel obligated to come.  Seriously.”  (I know that you’ve just decided I am not ever hired to be your party planner)  That’s fair.  So let’s get back to my party.  Last night not only did all of my loyal friends stop everything in their busy lives to come, we had a blast.  I had friends come on the way to the airport, anniversary dinners, between kids practices, friends that lived nowhere even near me showed up.  And none of it had anything to do with jewelry.  My girlfriend Aimee, said it best,  “When a friend hosts something you show up and represent.”  Well that my friends, you all did.  We shared cocktails, memories, solved the debt ceiling, laughed,  opened nice champagne and there was also some jewelry.  Today my heart is full and I pray that I am always as supportive and amazing to you as you are to me.  I, without a doubt, have the best friends.  Thank you for that. Oh and by the way….there’s about 5 of you that may need to be reminded this morning that we all committed to run the Phoenix marathon together in January…….and NO bailing out.  Spa after!

Aimee, We Are Legit ~

Tonight I had dinner with friends.  While chatting we were discussing my up-coming race, and my friend seemed suspicious that Aimee and I have not officially signed up  for our race.  The one I continue to talk about.  He thought that to not fully commit was creating a ‘easy out’ come race day.   B U S T E D.  Pretty sure he knows me….  So Mike, thank you, for pushing me to register, knowing that if I didn’t,  I would totally be at Snooze for breakfast that morning eating waffles and bacon, chasing mimosa’s  down, talking about how I couldn’t get it done.  You clearly know me well.   Aimee….we are ready to go!  This race is on and we will cross this off  our bucket list.   I Love my friends.  They motivate me and hold me accountable.

XO

Aha! There is a Runners’ High! We Met Today……

Good morning everyone!  Today I woke early, very early, just as the sky started to lighten; and feeling tired, I lay for a while hoping sleep would reclaim me.  No such luck.  So I got up and went for a run at Danielle’s Park.  It was a cool morning reminding me that fall is right around the corner.  My absolute favorite time of the year.  This morning I seemed to have had a break through in my training.  Before today, during my runs, I would complain, joke, research possible ailments on Web MD that may get me out of my race come the big day if need be.  Today was very different. Today I decided to be present and enjoy the journey in training.  For the first time today I throughly enjoyed my quite peaceful time running.  I felt incredible, unstoppable and even had the energy to push myself and continue to go longer.  Today while running I  listened to my body and pushed it to do more than I thought capable.  While breathing in the crisp cool air I took in the gorgeous mountain views and watched in awe at the wildlife wondering why I never seem to stop and look at the beauty that surrounds me living in such a beautiful place.  I so often take it for granted and don’t even look.  And I finally, after all of this time anticipating it, I finally experienced the ‘runners’ high’ that I was certain everyone had made up.  I was running so purposefully, so freely, so euphorically.  And then…..I crashed.  I went sliding down the side of a gravel road, full speed, feeling the ‘runners high’ quickly morph into the ‘oh shit I’m going to die’ panic.  The 10 second slow motion crash seemed more to be 20 minutes as I slid, moaned, rolled, and  finally hit something causing me to come to a sudden stop.  After recovering and determining I was still alive,  I slowly and painfully made the long trek back to my car.  At that point I only wanted a coffee and shower.   After sitting in the drive thru at Starbucks in what seemed like forever, I got up to the window and tried to pay for my coffee.  The cashier told me that the lady in front of me had paid for it and told me to have a great day.  Wow.  I cannot explain how that gesture gave me the chills and yes, like most things, made me cry.  I had just had a rough, abrupt ending to my run and this lady’s gesture was exactly what I needed.  The timing was something you can’t make up.  It made me forget about anything that had just happened and her thoughtfulness completely warmed my heart.  I was so caught off guard when I drove off  that  it didn’t even occur to me to pay for the person behind me.  Next time for sure.  Today, because of a strangers thoughtfulness, it occurred to me how easily we can all make each others day by thinking of  doing simple things for each other.  How easily our thoughtfulness could completely make someone’s day.    She was getting on with her day trying to be kind, having no idea that I was behind her in my car with road burn down my body; some blood, a swollen knee and bruised pride.  Or did she? Was she running behind me?  Ha.  This week I challenge everybody to do this.  For no reason, buy someone’s coffee or lunch or something.  The power of it is amazing.

The great thing about every day is that each morning we have another opportunity to be our best, a chance to put right the wrongs, to start fresh, to make a difference. Each day is a gift, but for me the mornings are so special because they’re so full of potential a whole day stretching ahead, an adventure waiting to unfold. Forgive yourself for any mistakes you made yesterday, let go of regrets, grab today with gusto; because what we have now, right in front of us is what matters most.. and if you put a smile on it, you’re already improving : ))Have a gorgeous week ♥ Lisa