A Hairy Situation

 

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Erin: I have decided we are going to go get Brazilian waxes.

Lisa: Okay.

Erin: That went over better than I thought it would. You are drinking wine, watching Lifetime and not really listening to me aren’t you?

Lisa: What?

Lisa’s Version of Events

I am not a person who holds grudges. I would like to say this is because I am so spiritually evolved, but truthfully I just have the shittiest memory ever. So when Erin informed me that we were going to get Brazilian waxes, I just assumed she wanted to spend time with me like everyone else in the world does.

I pulled up to Erin’s house to pick her and her sweet, innocent sister (whom she also demanded be in attendance) up and watched with squinty eyes as she loaded a styrofoam cooler full of ice packs into my car. She then plucked a Bible out of a bag of stuff she was donating to Goodwill and tossed it on the seat. Her kids asked where we were going. Without missing a beat, she said, “We are going to go get our lips waxed.” I didn’t even get her joke until like twenty minutes later because I was so stressed out.

Erin insisted the wax place was not actually where map quest, their actual website and the latitude and longitude of a space satellite said it was located. The three of us got out and started wondering around looking for it. We saw a redheaded (AKA ginger- for those who prefer political correctness) guy with a really long beard walking around aimlessly. Obviously, he couldn’t find the place either. At this point, my anxiety was skyrocketing. I just needed someone to wax my butt so I could return to the familiar comforts of my home.

Eventually, Erin placed a phone call and laughed heartily when she discovered they had moved. Haha. Fucking hysterical. We walked into the salon and immediately my keen intuition suggested something was askew when Erin simply had to sign in, while her sister and I had to fill out two pages of paperwork and provide a blood sample. Omg, what a little hussy.

Erin’s waxer appeared, they linked arms and skipped back to her room. I, on the other hand, got the skittish waxer who legit tried to pawn me off on someone else once she realized we were bloggers. I spent thirty minutes comforting her while she ripped my pubes out with hot wax.

I was nearly incoherent from nauseating pain when it occurred to me that our precious Erin had methodically plotted her revenge for the time I accidentally took her to that nasty Korean bathhouse months ago. Or, maybe it was because I laughed hysterically when I learned she was the homecoming queen in high school…Whatever her motive, Psycho made her point.

Erin’s Correct Version of Events

First off, I politely informed my sister she was going to accompany us on said excursion. Her birthday is right before Lisa’s and I decided to kill two cats with one stone (or however that stupid saying goes.) I wanted to get them something they would remember, something that would remind them of me…an ass wax.

The Korean bathhouse was indeed traumatizing, but the psychotherapy and shock treatments I have been receiving are totally helping. Annnnd while I was homecoming queen in high school, it wasn’t as though I made a shadow box containing my tiara in memorandum of this momentous occasion. People probably assumed I was a stuck up little bitch when I ran off the football field in front of hundreds of people after I was crowned. In truth, this event served as foreshadowing to what would later be diagnosed as a “severe anxiety disorder.”

Second, I never claimed that I was a waxing virgin. I clearly hold my body to a higher standard and the ungodly sights at the Korean bathhouse only solidified this postulation. Maybe my vagina is calloused or maybe I just got lucky because my waxer was going through a divorce and channelled her frustrations onto my lady garden OR maybe I am just not a giant baby like Lisa is.

My sister walked into the lobby white as a sheet, mumbling incoherently, with a hollow look in her eyes after her appointment. Shit. I totally forgot to tell her if she didn’t leave a little landing strip/ Hitler stash, her lady parts would resemble a naked mole rat. I just knew she was sporting the mole rat.

Meanwhile, Lisa was not talking to me and intently studying the display of waxing products. She plucked out the most expensive cream they had, claimed her “waxer preferred this brand for a post wax” and plopped it on the counter with a smug look on her face. I narrowed my eyes at her uppity vagina and handed over my credit card.

We got in the car, shoved the ice packs down our pants and drove to Starbucks in total silence. I f’ing knew I should have given them Chipotle gift cards.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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What Every Girl Needs to Know About Skin Care and Shaving The Fuzz Off Her Face

Please open the link below to read what my friend Stacie has to say about your fuzzy face!  after you read it, follow her!  Her writing is my favorite!

What Every Girl Needs to Know About Skin Care and Shaving The Fuzz Off Her Face.

Does Your Neck Match Your Face?

Your face isn’t the only area that requires your attention when it comes to protection and anti-aging.  Many of us are concerned about proper care and strict regimes for our face but forget to treat our neck, chest and hands in our daily regime.  If your skin looks healthy and vibrant and your neck doesn’t match….well, you know.   When I am trying to guess how old someone is I always look at their hands.  (please don’t be checking out mine at your next appointment.  I am guilty also.) So always keep in mind that overexposure to sun affects your hands and neck just as much as your complexion and treat them the same.  You will be thankful later.

You’re Having What Kind of Party?

Remember when home parties were Tupperware and make-up?   Now there are parties for everything from  jewelry, candles,  work-out clothes, nutritional supplements….and even ones for ‘intimate’ toys.    Some of these parties we avoid like the plague, maybe we host one to help a girlfriend out , or if we’re lucky we may actually find a product we love and plan a girls night out and introduce it .  We drink, talk, drink  shop, drink and relax.  At these parties the  most harm you could possibly do would be having those last few glasses of wine and becoming the proud new owner of an ‘intimate toy’ or the neighborhoods newest  Mary Kay distributor…..and you don’t wear make-up.

Now fast forward to the past several  years and chances are you have been invited to a Botox party.  We went from candles and make-up to surgical procedures in our homes?  If you haven’t been invited to one, chances are you will be.  So in the event that the person hosting the Botox party leaves the following information  off  their invitation let me plug it in for them:

Botox should be handled with the utmost care. That starts with the person administering the injection. Are they licensed to handle these types of cosmetic procedures? Or have they simply watched enough injections to think they know what they’re doing? Botox was designed to paralyze the muscles that cause fine lines and deeper wrinkles. Think about that for a moment. It might take minutes to perform, but it’s a serious procedure.  If you think the mishaps start and stop with Frozen Face, you’re mistaken. A more serious complication is blepharoptosis, more commonly referred to as Droopy Eyelid. Sure, they’ve developed drugs to treat it, but why risk an embarrassing side effect that can last up to six months?

I’m also curious what on-line training class these injectors failed or were absent on the day  they were taught that you do not let people drinking alcohol sign consent forms.  Ever.

I used to get so aggravated at people in the esthetic industry  (Doctor’s, Estheticians, Nurses, etc) doing procedures that are legally within their  license boundaries….but not technically what they should be doing–well —-except according to them.  Would you let your ENT give you your yearly female exam or deliver your baby?  Legally he can.  Isn’t it shady when a Dentist offers lipo (I know of 2 here in Denver.)   As much as you love your Esthetician:-)–she has no business injecting you.   All of these things happen all of the time.  How about a recent story in the news of the lady injecting people with a mixture of fix-a-flat, super glue and cement.  There have been several plastic surgery deaths on the news in the past few years.  Doctors practicing bad medicine to make money and people signing up to save money….even at the risk of dying.  Yes, I know I went from Botox to surgery but it’s the same concept.  At what level do we need to blame ourselves? The consumers.  The people not doing their  homework, for treating all of these procedures casually, for not seeing a red flag when a person claims they can give you the procedure you want for thousands of dollars less.  I know of people who have gotten face-lifts with a coupon.  Recently I have become less aggravated at the un-ethical people offering services that they shouldn’t be performing and more irritated at the people signing up for the services.  Do your homework, get trusted referrals, quit trying to save a few bucks and  only hire professionals that do it safely, correctly and have the ethics to know which procedures they should and should not perform.

And at the end of the day… if you still decide to see un-qualified people to save a few bucks for your injections….you deserve that lazy eye.  Yep, I just said that— and I mean it. XO

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A New Snake Oil Has Hit the Market…

In a world filled with hype and over-promise, here we go again….. many of us have seen by now the newest MLM company that has developed a patent pending miracle cream that is  “better than Botox – Botox in a bottle.”  In fact, using this cream for only 30 days will give you the same results as a facelift!  It will erase your wrinkles, age-spots and pay your mortgage if you get your nearest and dearest friends to partake in the kool-aid .  There are postings all over the internet of side-by-side before and after pictures accompanying this new miracle product, and the results depicted are nothing less than amazing. If you were to believe your eyes, you would think that this  magical elixir will erase twenty years in a matter of minutes. But don’t be fooled.  It sounds to good to be true and is nothing more than that.  Here are the exact pictures that are being posted:

The next problem is that you have people not trained in skin care/ skin histology,  selling non-medical grade skin care products to consumers promising these results.  They are promising results only a Doctor could  achieve.  Not them, not their product, not an esthetician.  I had a colleague ask some straight forward intelligent product efficiency questions on their Facebook site today and instead of being able to intelligently discuss their product, they simply deleted his questions.

Now let’s break this down from the consumer side.  Do you look at those ads and really believe those pictures?  Really?  I asked a well-respected surgeon in Denver his thoughts on this picture and on a cream achieving these results and this was his response,  “I can get the exact same results using butterscotch pudding for her skin care regimen, if I alter the camera angle in the after pic, apply some make up, and take the before when she happens to look her worst and the after on a day that she is a bit swollen (or I could just use Photoshop and eat the pudding).   I couldn’t have said it better.

Please don’t fall for these bogus ‘non-miracle’ creams.  There are NO miracle creams on the market, if there was, I would obviously be forced into another industry.   Lastly,  please remember that not everyone is in the skin care industry because they are educated or passionate about skin.  They are simply selling a product that has promised to make them a lot of money if they work the pyramid correctly.  These are the same people who next year will sell you vitamins promising to make you look like a body builder without even working out.  (Now those I might buy…..)

I am in a tight spot posting this blog because I personally know people selling this product and promoting it on their Facebook.  Pretty sure I will quickly be deleted  from their social media after this post.  However, my commitment is to you, my client.  You have trusted me with your skin, and I take that very seriously.  My job is to keep you educated and informed, and I will never compromise that, even if that means challenging people I personally know.

As always, call or message me if you have  further questions about this topic!

Lisa

Please Take a Second and Watch This Video…

 

The unofficial beginning of Summer is this weekend and WOW — it is already super HOT out!  I posted a  video below that I really hope you will watch.  A common misconception is that you cannot die from skin cancer. Unfortunately, about 8,000 people will die of  melanoma in the U.S. this year.  Sunscreen should be applied 30 minutes before sun exposure to allow the ingredients to fully bind to the skin. Reapplication of sunscreen is just as important as putting it on in the first place, so reapply the same amount every two hours. Sunscreens should also be reapplied immediately after swimming, toweling off, or sweating a great deal.

I tell my clients – If you don’t need your flashlight, you need your sunscreen.  —- No excuses.