Disco Party

The Text Exchange

Lisa: Do you want to go to a Korean bathhouse in a really bad part of town with me tomorrow?

Erin: Okay.

Lisa: We have to be naked.

Erin: You are going to be jealous of my svelte vagina.

Lisa: I will pick you up at 11:00.

Erin: Bye.

Lisa’s Version of Events

I wanted to go to a Korean bathhouse so I could blog about it. I have a total domineering personality so, it was not terribly challenging for me to convince Erin to go. These bathhouses are all the rage in California. Erin is going to act like a whiney little bitch when she tells her side but, I honestly had no idea that the bathhouse we went to was a covert sex house. Swear. To. God.

When I was informed of this establishment, I was simply told to be open-minded. I understood we would be naked the entire time and that we would be receiving massages. What I did NOT know is we would be showering in a community shower equipped with bar soap that had suspicious hairs and by “suspicious hairs” I mean disturbingly long pubes. I also had no idea that we walked in on two chicks getting it on in the steam room. Helllll-lllllo, I would have knocked.

The massage was admittedly a little aggressive…. Ninjas were literally climbing on top of us, slapping our arms and legs. I also do not recall being told that the “community” loofah they used to exfoliate us, would enter EVERY part of my body. As an esthetician, I was fine with my ass but, I totally drew the line when they tried to scrub my flawless face. Eew.

I avoided making eye contact with Erin because I could feel her retinas burning holes in my skin and frankly, her negative energy was ruining my Zen. Instead, I stared at her lady bits, figuring I would make us both dermatologist appointments for the following day and a couples therapy session for Friday to make amends. Truthfully, I will probably never invite her again.

Erin’s Version of Events

Lisa failed to mention that she also coerced our yoga instructor, Jen, to come with us. It was Jen’s birthday and a “Happy Ending” in a dirty Korean bathhouse is always a neat gift. Additionally, after a long anxiety ridden month waiting for what was ultimately Lisa’s negative diagnose for M.S., we decided to celebrate by contracting a venereal disease. Annnnd this is why I selflessly decided to go…to support them. Everyone should be my friend.

After visiting the shower room, I decided Jenny McCarthy’s anti-vaccination campaign was much less offensive than Cameron Diaz’s recent plight to end bush trimming. I exited the 70‘s disco party to go check out the “majestic waterfall” that Lisa had been describing. I was preeeeetty sure the waterfall was just a stream of asbestos and black mold pouring out of dilapidated ceiling tiles but, I didn’t want to ruin the party so I just stayed quiet.

To take my mind off of the situation, I tried to count all the tattoos of dream catchers and wolves on women’s arms as we all soaked in a dirty hottub together but, I lost count after 9,972. I then watched in fascination as our boobies kept floating to the surface while everyone else’s plummeted under. Jen wasn’t really speaking to either of us at this point but, I figured it was because she was so relaxed. I was happy to see her enjoying herself on her special day.

During my massage, Lisa’s voyeuristic vagina watched me the ENTIRE time so, I was never able to fully relax. It didn’t help that my masseuse gave me a titty twister and kept slapping me in the head, with her stomach and boobs. Lisa “claims” I was angrily glaring at her. The truth was, I was completely void of feeling at this point.

Anywho, we are all almost finished taking our third round of broad-spectrum antibiotics, anti-fungals and anti-viral medications. Our next Girls’ Day is our blood draw at an infectious disease clinic in six months.

Lisa- Thank you for taking us from the confines of our gated community, if for no other reason than to remind us never to do it again.

P.S. Happy Birthday Jen. We hope it was all that you dreamed of and more.

XO, Lisa & Erin

 

 

Supplemental Income

 

Lisa’s Version of Events

I almost died last week when I accidentally poisoned myself.

Three days before I nearly died, I was laying on Erin’s bedroom floor after raiding her closet. *If you ever need to borrow a dress she has quite the selection. In fact, she has her very own expensive department store. You would not know this by looking at her since she wears yoga clothes every.single.day. She swears she’s not depressed. I am totally going to say something if she stops showering.

Anywho, while I was browsing Erin’s wares I decided her Tory Burch flip-flops would look better on me. Remember…Erin only likes to purchase designer apparel, she does not actually wear it. I plotted my exit strategy and informed her my flip-flops would match her skin tone better and just this once, I would be willing to switch shoes with her since I deeply care about her. She happily obliged. I think she even hugged me.

Our ADD encumbered conversation suddenly switched from wardrobes to supplements. I informed Erin of a supplement we should be taking for our skin health. She casually replied, “Oh, I already take that.” I sat there in stunned silence. Oh, I see…so I share my extensive beauty wisdom with her while she sits there casually sipping bone broth and hoarding her own beauty arsenal. I no longer felt guilty about taking her shoes.

Erin told me I could have her brand new bottle of the magical elixir. It is about time she did something for me. Erin cautioned me to start taking the product very slowly. Meh, I don’t have time for this “waiting” bullshit. You all know me, I go big, or I go home and watch Lifetime and do nothing.

Three days later, I woke up in the middle of the night with severe stomach pain. Omg. I was one of those women who didn’t know she was pregnant since I was clearly in labor. I just knew I was going to labor a human being NOW. I called Erin. Instead of being sympathetic like a normal person would be, she was like, “This.Is.Awesooooome!!! How much are you taking?! I am going to do it too!”

After five hellish, terrifying days of being held hostage by my bowels, I lost SEVEN repeat SEVEN pounds. My skin was glowing even though my eyes were sunken in but, I looked super gaunt for a photo shoot. Erin and I decided we were onto something and slapped our pictures on this supplement so we could start our own pyramid scheme.

Erin’s Version of Events 

I almost died last week when I intentionally poisoned myself.

I was laying on my floor watching Lisa try on my size 0 clothes. Lisa usually wears a 00 so you can imagine how distraught she was when my clothes actually fit her. She kept repeating she was “bloated and PMS’ing.” I just examined my cuticles and told her how pretty she was. I have learned this technique is the most effective when trying to soothe Lisa during one of her “episodes.”

Lisa is correct, I don’t get dressed. Everyday of my life is spent being covered in dog hair, boogers, peanut butter and my own tears. I have zero desire to elicit attention from the opposite sex. Why? Because another dude is just one more fucking person I have to take care of. I don’t even buy pistachios with shells because I am so lazy. In fact, I had to google what “Ashley Madison” was when it was all over headline news. *Although, I totally didn’t know that rogue Duggar was on there. Meow. Eyebrows up and down. Lick lips.

Furthermore, I have taken said beauty supplement for years but, it had never occurred to me to quadruple the recommended dosage like Lisa did. She acted like it was the end of the fucking world because she was going to poop out a baby. Hi. There are approximately three fire stations in a five mile radius of our houses that we could have dropped the kid/giant poop off at. She is absurdly dramatic.

Our bodies literally purged themselves of every toxin we had ever ingested. Lisa was able to rid herself of all the coke, meth and heroin she used last week. I purified myself of the five packages of my kids’ Avatar fruit snacks that I ate the day before. Yes, I did almost shit in my car but, I was trading it in the next day so it wouldn’t have even mattered. Honestly, the experience was entirely spiritual for me. Like I prayed a lot.

***If you too would like to shit away some lbs. while exercising your abs and boosting your self worth, please send us a check in the amount of $59.99! Become a distributer today and start making money while changing people’s lives through explosive diarrhea! Simply refer five of your friends and we will send you the kit. If you would like to host a party, we will generously give you a bonus bottle of the magic (equivalent of two giant shits). 

Love, 

Lisa & Erin

“Nobody Really Knows…….”

I’m a few minutes early to a meeting so I sit out front in my car. Don’t be nervous. Don’t be nervous. Eeeek, this totally feels like a first date. I finally walk to the door and am greeted by a totally normal suburban mom. She leads me to her kitchen table where I silently sit while she shuffles through papers clearly unprepared. Meanwhile, her dog is Losing. His. Mind. barking in the back yard. I have already decided that her neighbors hate her guts. As I sit, I glance down at a piece of paper with her bio on it. Interesting lady; ER nurse, massage therapist, birthday party face painter and today ……..my psychic. What? Like I’m going to let her paint my face? That would totally break me out.
She finally sits down and starts by informing me that I am an Aquarius, which is great news because every magazine has confirmed this for years. So I guess so far she’s legit. She then starts speaking in psychic gibberish about my 5th house being in retrograde with a Pisces sighting which only happens every twenty-three years. I obviously have no idea what any of this means so I just stared at her. Could it be true that the answers to my life are in her hands? She needs to translate her secret language. STAT. The suspense is killing me.
“SO what does all of that really mean? I’m not really current on my planets.” I tell her. She tells me I am coming out of a very stressful ten month mercury cycle. And that it must have been really, really rough. OH. MY. GAWD. THAT IS SO ME. She has tuned into me. How does she know this? Then I almost start to cry. This has just brought us together. Because she knows. I know she knows. We both just know. I instantly bond with her. I tell her this is so correct and ask if the cycle is over. She says, “Let me consult your numbers”, she grabs a thick book and starts shuffling through it. Forever. Does some math and says, “Oooooooh, hmmm…weeeellllllll, this is not good, OK, well this is interesting. You actually have a bit more coming. Looks like at least four months. BUT, then something really big and exciting will be launched! And it will be amazing.” I must have looked totally freaked out because she took off her readers, grabbed my hands and said, “The truth is, we don’t really know. Nobody really knows. Anything can happen.” OK, well I’m actually here because you are supposed to know.
Now I was bored. Our bond was over. She’s so negative. I wanted a Starbucks refresher, and a muzzle for her dog. She finishes the session telling me I am a free spirit abandoner; I lose interest in everything immediately. I believe she is saying this because she knows from the look in my eyes I broke up with her already about ten minutes ago. She tells me that I have a big successful project coming up, that I am very much like Princess Athena (I have no idea who she is but I get the princess thing and already like Athena) and I must be very careful in the next few months because she sees a sports-related injury. I make a mental note that I should probably stop skateboarding down my driveway hill barefoot with Blake. And then she looked at me and said “When you get home, check your water heater”. She then shuffled a deck of Tarot cards and told me to ask them a question silently. When she turned them over to read them she said, ‘Hmmm, it didn’t answer your question, Interesting.”
Alright I guess I should be going. Her husband is in the kitchen staring at us, the dog is STILL outback fully losing his mind. I have a headache and feel drained. I am not telling anyone about this meeting. So, you know, that lasted about two seconds until I basically told everybody I talked to. I realized how ridiculous all of this sounded. We all laughed the hardest about checking my water heater. And Thank Gawd I told EVERYBODY or NOBODY would believe this. I get up to shower Saturday and had Noooooooo water. Guess who was at my house this week? Swear. To. Gawd.

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See you all later. I am going to hide for the next few months. Just kidding…I am going to change my planet rotation and make it AMAZING!  But first I am going to give the plumber the psychic’s phone number. They could totally help each other out. And remember nobody really knows but some, they just know.

Have an Amazing week!

Lisa

 

 

Meet Lisa

You know the friends who tell you how good you look in your yoga pants with yesterday’s make-up on? That you still look good as a platinum blonde; that age doesn’t matter and your skin is glowing? Well, that is NOT ME. Hi, I’m Lisa. In my experience as a paramedical aesthetician, I’ve consulted countless women on the health of their skin and on the state of their lives. What I’ve discovered is, I have a lot to say. Since I’m also a mom, a doctor (regular listener of Dr. Radio), an expert yogi (I do yoga) and a trendsetter (everyone is drinking bone broth now), I can speak intelligently on a myriad of topics. When I don’t know what to say, I make something up. Either way, you’ll learn something.

I write down my sage advice in my blog. You’re here and I’m thrilled. Face It…and Other News intends to empower you with the facts, or at least the facts as I see them. Jennifer Aniston’s youthful glow is not a result of using Aveeno and drinking Smartwater, but rather injections and laser. Nerium is not about reversing the signs of aging, but about making someone else a lot of money. The Korean massage fad is awkward, don’t bother. I’ll turn my home, my family, my friends and myself into science experiments, all in the name of learning. I want you to benefit from what I learn. You can thank me later.

Your friends won’t always give you the guidance you need. They mean well, and they make up a community of successful, supportive women you’re lucky to have in your life.  Let them host your baby shower and come to your Stella and Dot parties (I don’t want to do that anyway). I’ll be here to tell it like it is. Face it….at your age you should tone down the blonde and a little make-up doesn’t hurt.   I can be brutally honest and tell you your face is hairy (it is by the way). I believe the truth is an agent of change and of growth.  I am deeply invested in my chosen career path and I think living is like the ultimate joke. If you’re open to hearing me out, I won’t disappoint. Welcome to my world.

XOXO, Lisa

Lisa H-2015 Blanc-0058.jpg

 

 

Disco Party

The Text Exchange

Lisa: Do you want to go to a Korean bathhouse in a really bad part of town with me tomorrow?

Erin: Okay.

Lisa: We have to be naked.

Erin: You are going to be jealous of my svelte vagina.

Lisa: I will pick you up at 11:00.

Erin: Bye.

Lisa’s Version of Events

I wanted to go to a Korean bathhouse so I could blog about it. I have a total domineering personality so, it was not terribly challenging for me to convince Erin to go. These bathhouses are all the rage in California. Erin is going to act like a whiney little bitch when she tells her side but, I honestly had no idea that the bathhouse we went to was a covert sex house. Swear. To. God.

When I was informed of this establishment, I was simply told to be open-minded. I understood we would be naked the entire time and that we would be receiving massages. What I did NOT know is we would be showering in a community shower equipped with bar soap that had suspicious hairs and by “suspicious hairs” I mean disturbingly long pubes. I also had no idea that we walked in on two chicks getting it on in the steam room. Helllll-lllllo, I would have knocked.

The massage was admittedly a little aggressive…. Ninjas were literally climbing on top of us, slapping our arms and legs. I also do not recall being told that the “community” loofah they used to exfoliate us, would enter EVERY part of my body. As an esthetician, I was fine with my ass but, I totally drew the line when they tried to scrub my flawless face. Eew.

I avoided making eye contact with Erin because I could feel her retinas burning holes in my skin and frankly, her negative energy was ruining my Zen. Instead, I stared at her lady bits, figuring I would make us both dermatologist appointments for the following day and a couples therapy session for Friday to make amends. Truthfully, I will probably never invite her again.

Erin’s Version of Events

Lisa failed to mention that she also coerced our yoga instructor, Jen, to come with us. It was Jen’s birthday and a “Happy Ending” in a dirty Korean bathhouse is always a neat gift. Additionally, after a long anxiety ridden month waiting for what was ultimately Lisa’s negative diagnose for M.S., we decided to celebrate by contracting a venereal disease. Annnnd this is why I selflessly decided to go…to support them. Everyone should be my friend.

After visiting the shower room, I decided Jenny McCarthy’s anti-vaccination campaign was much less offensive than Cameron Diaz’s recent plight to end bush trimming. I exited the 70‘s disco party to go check out the “majestic waterfall” that Lisa had been describing. I was preeeeetty sure the waterfall was just a stream of asbestos and black mold pouring out of dilapidated ceiling tiles but, I didn’t want to ruin the party so I just stayed quiet.

To take my mind off of the situation, I tried to count all the tattoos of dream catchers and wolves on women’s arms as we all soaked in a dirty hottub together but, I lost count after 9,972. I then watched in fascination as our boobies kept floating to the surface while everyone else’s plummeted under. Jen wasn’t really speaking to either of us at this point but, I figured it was because she was so relaxed. I was happy to see her enjoying herself on her special day.

During my massage, Lisa’s voyeuristic vagina watched me the ENTIRE time so, I was never able to fully relax. It didn’t help that my masseuse gave me a titty twister and kept slapping me in the head, with her stomach and boobs. Lisa “claims” I was angrily glaring at her. The truth was, I was completely void of feeling at this point.

Anywho, we are all almost finished taking our third round of broad-spectrum antibiotics, anti-fungals and anti-viral medications. Our next Girls’ Day is our blood draw at an infectious disease clinic in six months.

Lisa- Thank you for taking us from the confines of our gated community, if for no other reason than to remind us never to do it again.

P.S. Happy Birthday Jen. We hope it was all that you dreamed of and more.

XO, Lisa & Erin

 

Nerium Gate…Still?

I can’t believe we are still talking about this product  (yawn)  but I was seriously asked again about this multi-level non-miricle, total crapola, face cream several times again last week.  So, here again are my thoughts on this scam product.  I was actually shocked because I thought it had somewhat died, but apparently a new group of reps made a new batch of kool-aid and are are hitting the streets hard—offering you a glass. So as requested by many of my patients, here are my thoughts.

In a world filled with hype and over-promise, here we go again….. many of us have heard of this multi-level company that has developed a patent pending miracle cream that is  “better than Botox – Botox in a bottle.”  In fact, using this cream for only 30 days will give you the same results as a face lift.  It will erase your wrinkles, age-spots and pay your mortgage if you harass, er um…I mean convince all of your family, friends, colleagues and random strangers on the street to join your team.  There are postings all over social media of side-by-side before and after pictures promoting this ‘miracle’ product, and the results depicted are nothing less than amazing.  If you were to believe your eyes, you would think that this magical elixir will erase twenty years in a matter of minutes.  I will break down what you need to know so that you are educated before you are contacted by your neighbor or someone you haven’t talked to in 13 years that suddenly finds you on Facebook and wants to buy you a cup of kool-aid   I mean coffee.

The fact is that 86% of people use skin care products that are not suited for their skin type.  In my consultations, a vast majority of women tell me they have ‘sensitive skin.’  It usually  turns out, their ‘sensitive’ skin is of  their own doing.  It really is imperative to have a consultation with a skin care professional who is trained in skin care to help you establish a regime and pick the proper products customized to your skin. One product does not work for everyone.  Now, let’s talk about buying skin care products from your multi-level-marketing friends.  Maybe there are a few of them who are trained in skin histology and have real skin care knowledge selling these products. However, the majority are trained only on a business model which employs the direct-sales marketing concept and don’t have a clue about realistic results with a topical or anything else about effective skin care.  In fact, on social media I have seen posts repeatedly that say, “Don’t have any interest in skin?  That’s ok!  You don’t need to. You will love the 6 figure salary pouring in while working from home being your own boss, in your pajamas! (Now the pajamas part does interest me)  Contact me today to see how I’ve done it.”

Besides having no genuine interest in actual skin health, these sales people do not mention that what they are selling are not medical grade products (which you wouldn’t assume by the price).  It’s important to note that even medical grade products could NOT deliver shown results.  These home based products are not controlled by the FDA so they are formulated in a way that does not allow for penetration beneath the surface layer of the skin.  They are OTC (over the counter) products and do not treat skin conditions that results in the obvious signs of aging (loss of collagen, reproduction of damaged skin which reproduces the same damaged skin after every surface skin layer is shed).  OTC products are, by definition, formulated to be used by anyone and everyone; as such, they contain only minute amounts of the active ingredients that actually treat, repair, and correct skin problems.

It is unfortunate because some of these companies have some really great products.  The disconnect is when you have sales people who are more focused on earning their Mercedes and trips to Tahiti than they are in changing your skin.  They become delusional about the results they are advertising.  These days people desperately want to look younger so these reps have a huge audience to capture. And many take advantage of that.  If someone still really believes in a multi level product enough to sell it they need to learn, what can this product realistically do?  What can it not do?  So far, looking at these pictures, I would say you have some really mis-informed or un-educated sales people thinking they are selling surgical procedures instead of skin care.  Or is it possible that one of the side-effects of their product is loss of integrity?

So if you are going to buy something from your neighbors it should be Girl Scout cookies; helping a girl earn her patch….now that’s legit!

Check out below the ridiculous before and after photos they promote;

Mary used her miracle cream for less than 10 days.  She no longer has a double chin!  The product very obviously also tightened muscles and miraculously removed all excess skin. FANTASTIC.

Not only does the hand on the right look 40 years younger, the muscle mass has doubled in size.  I think the person on the left is actually dead.. so she’s come back to life, time traveled four decades into the past and as a bonus it gave her a nice tan.

Now let’s break this down from the consumer side.  Do you look at those ads and really believe those pictures?  Really?  I asked a well-respected cosmetic surgeon in Denver his thoughts on these picture and on a cream achieving these results and this was his response, “I can get the exact same results using butterscotch pudding for her skin care regimen, if I alter the camera angle in the after pic, apply some make up, and take the before when she happens to look her worst and the after on a day that she is a bit swollen (or I could just use Photoshop and eat the pudding).”  I couldn’t have said it better.

Please don’t fall for these bogus ‘non-miracle’ creams.  There are NO miracle creams on the market.  If there were, I would obviously enroll all of my clients, set them up on auto ship and quit my job.  Lastly,  please remember that not everyone is in the skin care industry because they are educated or passionate about skin.  They are simply selling a product that has promised to make them a lot of money if they work the pyramid correctly.  They can earn cars, trips, etc.   These are the same people who will move-on in about a year to the newest, next best thing and then sell you that.

I am in a tight spot posting this blog because I personally know people selling this product and promoting it on their Facebook.  Pretty sure I will quickly be deleted  from their social media after this post.  However, my commitment is to you, my client.  You have trusted me with your skin, and I take that very seriously.  My job is to keep you educated and informed, and I will never compromise that, even if it means challenging people I personally know.

As always, call or message me if you have further questions about this topic.  Unless you sell Nerium–then you probably shouldn’t call me.  And step away from the kool-aid stand.

Lisa

 

 

And This Is All I Have To Show For My Sixty Dollar Co-Pay ~

 

So, I’ve been sick like….well all year. I’m the only person in my family that takes Juice Plus, drinks wheat grass, kale, and spinach, finds my Om’ and continues to house every possible virus that needs a place to dwell. My taco bell eating, not so namaste’, wheat grass despising friends …not so much. They are all healthy and totally annoying the shit out of me.  Catch something already.  So I went to my doctor yesterday to make sure I don’t have some rare disease—no I’m not being dramatic, I haven’t disclosed all of my symptoms. That would be awkward…. Anyways, I’m at the doctor’s office, the one I always swear I’m never going to again, because I’m always seen about 40 minutes past my appointment time….and patience is like the only thing I’ve never caught and it’s super rude.  Who has time to wait 40 minutes?  I mean besides me. EVERY TIME. For about 13 years… But, I love him and he comes in the room and I’m totally over it.  I love him because he gets me.  And I don’t even get me.  So his presence in my life is kinda necessary. Oh, and just to clarify this is my primary care doc. not a psychiatrist.  However he handles both positions.  Maybe I stay because I don’t have the energy to start over— explaining stuff to someone new.  I’m busy with other things.  Like sitting in his waiting room. When he walks in the first thing he says to me is, “So did you start teaching yoga?” Ummmmm…what? Did I say that?  Of course I did. After I took like my first yoga lesson I wanted to become a yoga teacher and wear lululemon clothes around town nibbling on kale chips, acting all balanced and zen.  Then I remembered I had a job and reports that were way late and clients booked out until the end of the year and meetings to prepare for. He looked at me like….duh I knew the answer –I’m just humoring myself.  Because he knows me well, I’m always looking for something new. I should totally ask to read my chart and see what things he has listed….all of my whimsical moments over the years.  Which many I have completed by the way.  Thank you 🙂 Except like organic composting and converting to Judaism. So that leads me to the point of my blog.  Change.  I know, you are rolling your eyes thinking –long story longer…..but as many of you know I used to be terrified of change.  I mean hello, I live 15 minutes from where I went to elementary school, 10 from my high school, the above doctor was actually my pediatrician,  hahha, just kidding…but you get my point.  After I left my appointment yesterday I realized that the older I get, the more comfortable I am with change.  Including exploring new things, deciding what I want or do not.  Regardless of fear or pleasing anyone else.  I no longer stay in situations that don’t suit me or stay in relationships that have no purpose.  I choose my friends wisely (remember I need soup often). The saying you become like the 5 people you spend the most time with. Choose wisely. Couldn’t be more correct.  Some relationships, including family, aren’t meant to be, or are not repairable, and one of the hardest things in life is letting go of what you thought was real. but you must. Life is short and we realize this more with every passing year. So change better be an option. Our kids will leave and live their own lives and we better find and create one we love. And if I decide to be a yoga teaching, organic composting, jew…..Don’t worry…I’ll still be the one who makes your skin the best it’s ever looked.  Because in all of my life dabbling’s. Catching greased pigs and skin care are my forte’. Like I should get a medal for both. Oh wait… I do. And why am I always sick lately?  Well obviously my doctor didn’t have time to go over that. He was running like 40 minutes late for his next patient. Happy Sunday!

Love you all ~ Lisa