A Hairy Situation

 

Erin: I have decided we are going to go get Brazilian waxes.

Lisa: Okay.

Erin: That went over better than I thought it would. You are drinking wine, watching Lifetime and not really listening to me aren’t you?

Lisa: What?

Lisa’s Version of Events

I am not a person who holds grudges. I would like to say this is because I am so spiritually evolved, but truthfully I just have the shittiest memory ever. So when Erin informed me that we were going to get Brazilian waxes, I just assumed she wanted to spend time with me like everyone else in the world does.

I pulled up to Erin’s house to pick her and her sweet, innocent sister (whom she also demanded be in attendance) up and watched with squinty eyes as she loaded a styrofoam cooler full of ice packs into my car. She then plucked a Bible out of a bag of stuff she was donating to Goodwill and tossed it on the seat. Her kids asked where we were going. Without missing a beat, she said, “We are going to go get our lips waxed.” I didn’t even get her joke until like twenty minutes later because I was so stressed out.

Erin insisted the wax place was not actually where map quest, their actual website and the latitude and longitude of a space satellite said it was located. The three of us got out and started wondering around looking for it. We saw a redheaded (AKA ginger- for those who prefer political correctness) guy with a really long beard walking around aimlessly. Obviously, he couldn’t find the place either. At this point, my anxiety was skyrocketing. I just needed someone to wax my butt so I could return to the familiar comforts of my home.

Eventually, Erin placed a phone call and laughed heartily when she discovered they had moved. Haha. Fucking hysterical. We walked into the salon and immediately my keen intuition suggested something was askew when Erin simply had to sign in, while her sister and I had to fill out two pages of paperwork and provide a blood sample. Omg, what a little hussy.

Erin’s waxer appeared, they linked arms and skipped back to her room. I, on the other hand, got the skittish waxer who legit tried to pawn me off on someone else once she realized we were bloggers. I spent thirty minutes comforting her while she ripped my pubes out with hot wax.

I was nearly incoherent from nauseating pain when it occurred to me that our precious Erin had methodically plotted her revenge for the time I accidentally took her to that nasty Korean bathhouse months ago. Or, maybe it was because I laughed hysterically when I learned she was the homecoming queen in high school…Whatever her motive, Psycho made her point.

Erin’s Correct Version of Events

First off, I politely informed my sister she was going to accompany us on said excursion. Her birthday is right before Lisa’s and I decided to kill two cats with one stone (or however that stupid saying goes.) I wanted to get them something they would remember, something that would remind them of me…an ass wax.

The Korean bathhouse was indeed traumatizing, but the psychotherapy and shock treatments I have been receiving are totally helping. Annnnd while I was homecoming queen in high school, it wasn’t as though I made a shadow box containing my tiara in memorandum of this momentous occasion. People probably assumed I was a stuck up little bitch when I ran off the football field in front of hundreds of people after I was crowned. In truth, this event served as foreshadowing to what would later be diagnosed as a “severe anxiety disorder.”

Second, I never claimed that I was a waxing virgin. I clearly hold my body to a higher standard and the ungodly sights at the Korean bathhouse only solidified this postulation. Maybe my vagina is calloused or maybe I just got lucky because my waxer was going through a divorce and channelled her frustrations onto my lady garden OR maybe I am just not a giant baby like Lisa is.

My sister walked into the lobby white as a sheet, mumbling incoherently, with a hollow look in her eyes after her appointment. Shit. I totally forgot to tell her if she didn’t leave a little landing strip/ Hitler stash, her lady parts would resemble a naked mole rat. I just knew she was sporting the mole rat.

Meanwhile, Lisa was not talking to me and intently studying the display of waxing products. She plucked out the most expensive cream they had, claimed her “waxer preferred this brand for a post wax” and plopped it on the counter with a smug look on her face. I narrowed my eyes at her uppity vagina and handed over my credit card.

We got in the car, shoved the ice packs down our pants and drove to Starbucks in total silence. I f’ing knew I should have given them Chipotle gift cards.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Supplemental Income

 

Lisa’s Version of Events

I almost died last week when I accidentally poisoned myself.

Three days before I nearly died, I was laying on Erin’s bedroom floor after raiding her closet. *If you ever need to borrow a dress she has quite the selection. In fact, she has her very own expensive department store. You would not know this by looking at her since she wears yoga clothes every.single.day. She swears she’s not depressed. I am totally going to say something if she stops showering.

Anywho, while I was browsing Erin’s wares I decided her Tory Burch flip-flops would look better on me. Remember…Erin only likes to purchase designer apparel, she does not actually wear it. I plotted my exit strategy and informed her my flip-flops would match her skin tone better and just this once, I would be willing to switch shoes with her since I deeply care about her. She happily obliged. I think she even hugged me.

Our ADD encumbered conversation suddenly switched from wardrobes to supplements. I informed Erin of a supplement we should be taking for our skin health. She casually replied, “Oh, I already take that.” I sat there in stunned silence. Oh, I see…so I share my extensive beauty wisdom with her while she sits there casually sipping bone broth and hoarding her own beauty arsenal. I no longer felt guilty about taking her shoes.

Erin told me I could have her brand new bottle of the magical elixir. It is about time she did something for me. Erin cautioned me to start taking the product very slowly. Meh, I don’t have time for this “waiting” bullshit. You all know me, I go big, or I go home and watch Lifetime and do nothing.

Three days later, I woke up in the middle of the night with severe stomach pain. Omg. I was one of those women who didn’t know she was pregnant since I was clearly in labor. I just knew I was going to labor a human being NOW. I called Erin. Instead of being sympathetic like a normal person would be, she was like, “This.Is.Awesooooome!!! How much are you taking?! I am going to do it too!”

After five hellish, terrifying days of being held hostage by my bowels, I lost SEVEN repeat SEVEN pounds. My skin was glowing even though my eyes were sunken in but, I looked super gaunt for a photo shoot. Erin and I decided we were onto something and slapped our pictures on this supplement so we could start our own pyramid scheme.

Erin’s Version of Events 

I almost died last week when I intentionally poisoned myself.

I was laying on my floor watching Lisa try on my size 0 clothes. Lisa usually wears a 00 so you can imagine how distraught she was when my clothes actually fit her. She kept repeating she was “bloated and PMS’ing.” I just examined my cuticles and told her how pretty she was. I have learned this technique is the most effective when trying to soothe Lisa during one of her “episodes.”

Lisa is correct, I don’t get dressed. Everyday of my life is spent being covered in dog hair, boogers, peanut butter and my own tears. I have zero desire to elicit attention from the opposite sex. Why? Because another dude is just one more fucking person I have to take care of. I don’t even buy pistachios with shells because I am so lazy. In fact, I had to google what “Ashley Madison” was when it was all over headline news. *Although, I totally didn’t know that rogue Duggar was on there. Meow. Eyebrows up and down. Lick lips.

Furthermore, I have taken said beauty supplement for years but, it had never occurred to me to quadruple the recommended dosage like Lisa did. She acted like it was the end of the fucking world because she was going to poop out a baby. Hi. There are approximately three fire stations in a five mile radius of our houses that we could have dropped the kid/giant poop off at. She is absurdly dramatic.

Our bodies literally purged themselves of every toxin we had ever ingested. Lisa was able to rid herself of all the coke, meth and heroin she used last week. I purified myself of the five packages of my kids’ Avatar fruit snacks that I ate the day before. Yes, I did almost shit in my car but, I was trading it in the next day so it wouldn’t have even mattered. Honestly, the experience was entirely spiritual for me. Like I prayed a lot.

***If you too would like to shit away some lbs. while exercising your abs and boosting your self worth, please send us a check in the amount of $59.99! Become a distributer today and start making money while changing people’s lives through explosive diarrhea! Simply refer five of your friends and we will send you the kit. If you would like to host a party, we will generously give you a bonus bottle of the magic (equivalent of two giant shits). 

Love, 

Lisa & Erin