I’m a few minutes early to a meeting so I sit out front in my car. Don’t be nervous. Don’t be nervous. Eeeek, this totally feels like a first date. I finally walk to the door and am greeted by a totally normal suburban mom. She leads me to her kitchen table where I silently sit while she shuffles through papers clearly unprepared. Meanwhile, her dog is Losing. His. Mind. barking in the back yard. I have already decided that her neighbors hate her guts. As I sit, I glance down at a piece of paper with her bio on it. Interesting lady; ER nurse, massage therapist, birthday party face painter and today ……..my psychic. What? Like I’m going to let her paint my face? That would totally break me out.
She finally sits down and starts by informing me that I am an Aquarius, which is great news because every magazine has confirmed this for years. So I guess so far she’s legit. She then starts speaking in psychic gibberish about my 5th house being in retrograde with a Pisces sighting which only happens every twenty-three years. I obviously have no idea what any of this means so I just stared at her. Could it be true that the answers to my life are in her hands? She needs to translate her secret language. STAT. The suspense is killing me.
“SO what does all of that really mean? I’m not really current on my planets.” I tell her. She tells me I am coming out of a very stressful ten month mercury cycle. And that it must have been really, really rough. OH. MY. GAWD. THAT IS SO ME. She has tuned into me. How does she know this? Then I almost start to cry. This has just brought us together. Because she knows. I know she knows. We both just know. I instantly bond with her. I tell her this is so correct and ask if the cycle is over. She says, “Let me consult your numbers”, she grabs a thick book and starts shuffling through it. Forever. Does some math and says, “Oooooooh, hmmm…weeeellllllll, this is not good, OK, well this is interesting. You actually have a bit more coming. Looks like at least four months. BUT, then something really big and exciting will be launched! And it will be amazing.” I must have looked totally freaked out because she took off her readers, grabbed my hands and said, “The truth is, we don’t really know. Nobody really knows. Anything can happen.” OK, well I’m actually here because you are supposed to know.
Now I was bored. Our bond was over. She’s so negative. I wanted a Starbucks refresher, and a muzzle for her dog. She finishes the session telling me I am a free spirit abandoner; I lose interest in everything immediately. I believe she is saying this because she knows from the look in my eyes I broke up with her already about ten minutes ago. She tells me that I have a big successful project coming up, that I am very much like Princess Athena (I have no idea who she is but I get the princess thing and already like Athena) and I must be very careful in the next few months because she sees a sports-related injury. I make a mental note that I should probably stop skateboarding down my driveway hill barefoot with Blake. And then she looked at me and said “When you get home, check your water heater”. She then shuffled a deck of Tarot cards and told me to ask them a question silently. When she turned them over to read them she said, ‘Hmmm, it didn’t answer your question, Interesting.”
Alright I guess I should be going. Her husband is in the kitchen staring at us, the dog is STILL outback fully losing his mind. I have a headache and feel drained. I am not telling anyone about this meeting. So, you know, that lasted about two seconds until I basically told everybody I talked to. I realized how ridiculous all of this sounded. We all laughed the hardest about checking my water heater. And Thank Gawd I told EVERYBODY or NOBODY would believe this. I get up to shower Saturday and had Noooooooo water. Guess who was at my house this week? Swear. To. Gawd.
See you all later. I am going to hide for the next few months. Just kidding…I am going to change my planet rotation and make it AMAZING! But first I am going to give the plumber the psychic’s phone number. They could totally help each other out. And remember nobody really knows but some, they just know.
Have an Amazing week!